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| No one would put book shelves in a cemetery. Cut it. |
Realism is allegedly the goal of fiction. It’s alleged exclusively
by real people, which seems somewhere between a bias and bigotry to me.
Regardless, realism is cherished in fiction. We coddle F.
Scott Fitzgerald for nailing a feeling, or a poet for putting a thought we’ve
all had into verse. Meanwhile an implausible romance is shameful, someone walking in at a convenient time is contrived, and nearly every character is accused of being unrealistic. Realism is considered a requirement for good storytelling –
except in a million different cases. Here are ten of them.
1. Characters have the same last name and no relation to
each other. Happens millions of times every day in the real world; has
happened, perhaps twice, in the history of fiction.
2. Coughing, sneezing and hiccupping for no reason. Someone
in my family gets the hiccups at least once a week, and never because they’re
nervous a dragon is nearby.
3. “Uhm, uh, you know, well, like, it’s just – you know what
I mean.” These oral pauses allow real people to gather the best wording for
their next point, although it’s a tiny minority of fictional characters who
ever use them. I’m most acutely aware of this dissonance when I’m editing
novels; I spend hours a day cutting every needless word, and become absolutely irate
with everyone I meet who talks like an actual person.
4. Characters notice a conflict between each other, talk
over their opinions honestly, figure out a simple compromise, and drop the
issue. Half the editors I’ve met would chastise you for squandering conflict if
you wrote sensible resolution.
5. A heart monitor flatlines because a node disconnected.
This has not only happened to me, but is by far the most common cause of
flatlining for every medical technician I’ve ever talked to. People whose
business is to save lives make fun of your fiction about life and death
scenarios.
6. The “good” political party wins and yet the “good” party
members are never satisfied no matter what the new administration does. They
become deeply jaded by what they identify as the failings of their leaders, seldom
recognizing much of their disappointment stems from their own ignorance over
what is plausible. Our real would actually be a great satire about idealism and
phony pragmatism.
7. Cold wars. The U.S. and U.S.S.R. spent decades
embroiled in one, and the closest they came to blows was psyching each other
out over missile placement. You seldom see a Dark Lord who the rest of the
world just refuses to trade with, and who fails so catastrophically to lead his
giant tyranny that the capitalists have to sneak him loans.
8. The neighbors losing their shit the night after a Horror
movie/novel when it turns out eighteen people have been stabbed to death and
the mailman was actually a sadomasochistic zombie. I don’t know about you, but
if somebody revs their motorcycle too loud my neighbors obsess about it for
years. The closest fiction gets is in a sequel, years later (or one year later,
on the anniversary), and then those nervous locals are just introduced for body
count.
9. The superhero that just does the right thing because it’s
right. A pragmatic idealist motivated by his or her own mind, not a personal
tragedy or preposterously corrupted city. What’s funnier is our popular
misconception that all superheroes are already like this. Actually, even
Superman isn’t that anymore.
10. The serial killer who is impossible to catch because law
enforcement is incredibly complicated bureaucratically and logistically, not
because being crazy is a mental superpower.
That ought to be enough to get us started. Do any others come to mind?
