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Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Blurbs for the Greatest Book Never Written

“Danni La Paglia's steamy summer debut is Harry Potter meets Jurassic Park meets The Bible - but better!"

Philip Roth says, “I’m not really saying this, but holy shit, give this lady my Booker.”

“A page-turner you can’t put down. It’ll break your heart, leave you breathless and begging for more. The #2 Newspaper-You-Don’t-Read Bestseller is this season’s must-read instant classic!”

"Remember that part in Holy Grail when the Nazi drinks from the wrong cup? This book will do that to your soul. Danni La Paglia's YA novel is the real fake holy grail of YA novels."

“Sparkling vampires have never been so terrifying or profound as in Danni La Paglia’s timely and timeless e-book.”

"David Lynch to join Pixar, 'solely for privilege of adapting this masterpiece.'"

“Breaking News: Time Magazine revises Best 100 Hundred Novels list, boots Orwell and Pynchon to give La Paglia’s mind-bending blockbuster two slots.”

"Lone message board troll hunted down and beaten to death for three-star review of La Paglia's scintillating opus on the human heart."

"Christopher Hitchens announces that Danni La Paglia's masterpiece has convinced him there is a God, and that ‘GOD is pretty fucking GREAT.' The Pope has similarly announced a shocking change of mind, for this book has convinced him not only is there a God - it's Danni La Paglia."

"Breaking News: Library of Congress to receive one more book, then close permanently. Quote: 'Danni La Paglia has finished literature. English is now complete.'"

"Brazil knocks down last of its rain forests in case La Paglia wants to do a paperback copy of sequel."

"National Day of Mourning announced for the thousands who took their own lives when they realized La Paglia wouldn't have a sequel out before Fall."

"La Paglia's Novel of Mass Destruction case not to be tried at International Criminal Court. Quote: 'We don't want to fuck up her writing schedule. What happens to the ponies, Danielle?'"

"Report: Sun rising faster in anticipation of its rays sooner landing on La Paglia's unfinished pages. Millions freeze on neglected side of earth."

Stephen Hawking says, "Science has dropped the ball on this one before, but we're pretty sure the universe revolves around Danni La Paglia's novel."

"Breaking News: Physicists fear composition of sequel to Danni La Paglia's masterpiece will give universe two centers, thus tearing space/time fabric. Reading public still more concerned if Vlad and the Pony Keeper hook up."

Jesus Christ says, "I heard fears of global catstrophe might convince Danielle not to write the second novel, so I figured I'd show up and talk her into it. Hold on."

"The mere rumor of this sequel causes world to end. 99% of respondents say, 'worth it.' Pre-order now!"

9 comments:

  1. "David Lynch to join Pixar, 'solely for privilege of adapting this masterpiece.'"

    hahahahahaha you are brilliant :)

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  2. This one was my favourite - Quote: 'Danni La Paglia has finished literature. English is now complete.'"

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  3. "Remember that part in Holy Grail when the Nazi drinks from the wrong cup? This book will do that to your soul...

    Pure awesome.

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  4. Stephen Hawking says, "Science has dropped the ball on this one before, but we're pretty sure the universe revolves around Danni La Paglia's novel."

    The science geek in me giggled. Fun post

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  5. "The word 'podcast' officially and universally changed to 'pagliacast' as all bloggers give up on talking about anything except this incredible new work."

    Except for three punks and their pesky "Consume" podcast.

    (They also talk about Terraria)

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  6. *basks in the glory that is me*

    I love you for this, John, of course, not nearly as much as I love my novel. #godface

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  7. This gets better and better. OMG, Jesus? ROFL!

    Oh, wait, a last comment, I was going to chastice you for beating up trolls, but I gather some kind of trolls deserve a little spanking. But a 3 star? C'mon Mr. Ogre, isn't that too much? :P

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  8. I didn't start laughing until the bit about David Lynch, but then I didn't stop. It should be illegal for any one person to be this funny.

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