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Sunday, November 18, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: Star Wars Episode VII - Genocide of Ewoks



The Empire was not long on Endor before it fell. The Ewoks had never had much contact with the outside universe, and so never saw the foreign plagues coming. Every cuddly creature that Luke, Leia and Han danced with that night was dead within a week of the Death Star’s destruction – not from combat, but from highly predatory diseases their immune systems had never seen.

Overburdened by suddenly having to run an interstellar government with numerous pockets of skepticism and resistance, Princess Leia and her freedom fighters can hardly divert many resources to help the Ewoks. Yet those who do venture to Endor bring still more suffering, swarming with their own planetary diseases, or have come to Endor only to make a profit under the auspices of the new “democracy.” When the Ewoks fight back against mercenaries who abuse them, the local settlers are quick to label them savage. They did defeat the Empire, after all.

C3PO ventures into the plague-stricken Ewok masses with a message of peace, hoping that its lack of biology will spare them further infection. Their only salvation is to move off of their ancestral grounds and head west, where new legislation swears they will always have domain. Supplies seem to come in equal number to the raids, and orders continually push the Ewoks off their reservations, until their previous way of life is but a tall tale that even their most optimistic children doubt ever existed. Their numbers are plummeting, their lands are strip-mined, and no one remembers how to dance.

This is what you guys wanted when you bitched about Return of the Jedi, right?

11 comments:

  1. :( I am saddened and emotionally scarred by this.

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    1. Apologies for the distress. On the upside, it's unlikely to make production.

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  2. oh that's just too painful for words...blackly funny.

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  3. I never realised what a huge influence George Lucas must have had on the script for Avatar.

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    1. The latter probably wouldn't have been possible without the former.

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  4. There are a host of new Star Wars movies coming. And if you can do a follow up about the abuse of Jar Jar and co, that would be great too.

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    1. Jar Jar will be at the heart of a fairly liberal remake of Hotel Rwanda.

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  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

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