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Monday, February 3, 2014

Bronchitis and Guilt

Bronchitis is a lot like a baby turtle trying to eat a strawberry.
This may make more sense in Paragraph 3.
Bronchitis and guilt. Of the two, guilt will kill you quicker. Guilt will make use of your bronchitis, your student loans, the girlfriend you disappointed and the holiday you never make special enough. Any of those elements are dangerous, but guilt uses them all.

I'm a delusional sort. Scratch that - humans are a delusional sort, and it's the rationalists I distrust. One of my delusions is a guilt complex that I'm never doing enough. For the last week I've been relatively silent because I've been relatively bedridden with a splendid case of bronchitis. That's an infection of the bronchial tubes that cakes my lungs with solid snot, throws off my internal temperature, locks my joints, saps appetite for the nutrition necessary to fight it, and drives my neuromuscular syndrome nuts. By Thursday I'd pulled muscles in my back, both biceps, and pulled both hamstrings, simply from coughing or contorting in discomfort. It was such that I could no longer lie down without excruciating pain, and thus had to alternate between exhausting myself by sitting up for any relief, and lying down and making the muscles worse.

I am doing much better, and thank you for asking. But I also felt pangs of guilt over not continuing my novel, even when my head was so fogged I couldn't speak an entire sentence. I even felt the pangs when, in the sort of nonsense despair excessive pain causes, I worried my whole novel was garbage and had to be thrown out. Even when I was sure the work was worthless, I felt vile for not transcending and doing the work anyway. The Joker would laugh at me, and The Joker is never wrong when he thinks you're funny.

Writing is beautiful, and prose is one of my great passions in life. This morning I'm excited to be able to think straight and consider these characters again. Yet the anxiety I soaked in this weekend is the kind of mindset that you may wind up with if you become too attached to goals. I've argued it before and won't go on at length now, because I desperately need to sleep a full night soon or it's off to the hospital. But please, think about how stupid John Wiswell is because he's driven the next time some successful author tells you to lock it down and work harder.

For now I think what the last few months were like. Everything was held up in October for Viable Paradise. Then...

November: wrote my first screenplay.
December: wrote four short stories.
January: wrote 51,033 words of a new novel.

For these fruits, I think I'm not doing enough. The Joker would bust a gut.

I've got about a week left before I head to Massachusetts for Boskone, where it turns out I'll be reading in the Flash Slam competition. If you're in the Boston area, I'd love a little cheering section. I can't wait to practice, just as soon as my voice comes back.

I'm trying to figure out when I'll have enough wherewithal to write more of the novel. Maybe Monday? And whenever, how much I can get done before I ship out. I think the break is actually helping the plotting in a way I'll have a better handle on next week. Too funny if not writing for a while is the best aid to writing better fiction.

18 comments:

  1. Guilt will be the death of us all, but I hope not of you, my friend. I am blown away by your list- I haven't accomplished even half that. Now this is the nurse talking- rest. get well. the writing will still be there. I promise.

    Have a wonderful time at Boskone-wish I was going!
    And to answer your questions to me, the sleepover was a late night (expected) but actually a lot of fun (a pleasant surprise).
    My husband works in the navy nuclear department so once a year he goes to Washington to be a lobbyist, and I get to tag along and visit museums and monuments. It's usually a lot of fun, but this year it's more meaningful than fun. I'm planning on visiting the Holocaust Museum and then dotting the last i and crossing the last t for my next novel. That feels fitting.

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  2. Sorry you've been so sick. It's easy to feel guilty for not writing, but if you don't have your health, it doesn't matter.
    And what you've accomplished the past couple months is awesome.

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  3. We would LOVE to see you! When/where will you be in Boston? How much John time can we have? Hugs and hope you feel better soon.

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    1. I'd love to see you folks! I will be at the Westin Boston Waterfront Hotel for the convention from the 14th to the 16th for the convention. After that I'm heading to Nat's for a short stay, which is an hour outside of Boston, but probably easier for hanging out. What is your schedule like?

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    2. I sent you a message on facebook. Hope to see you soon.

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  4. I know this driving impulse. Hope you feel better soon, John.

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  5. I like turtles (sorry, had to).

    And I agree bronchitis does suck. I once got kicked out of class because the teacher said my coughing was too distracting for the rest of the class.

    Get well.

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    1. That's not a 1UpShow reference, is it? I like turtles, too.

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  6. No guilt! You are producing lots of content. Hope you feel better soon!

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  7. Get well soon, John! You know, you have nothing to feel guilty over. Sometimes a story can benefit from time off marinating in your subconscious. Not all writing time involves word count. *sending hugs*

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  8. I get you, on the guilt when you're not writing no matter how good the reason is. But you've got to forgive yourself, as you know.

    Just remember to put your pants on before opening doors, and all is well. :)

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    1. It's all good, Michael! Though it was cool to briefly have an Unknown reader. "Anonymous" is so common that "Unknown" is actually mysterious.

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  9. Good to hear you're getting better. I hope you're up to Boskone by the time you go!

    And geez, yeah, you've cranked out more verbiage than I have in that time. I agree 100% about not getting too attached to goals. Creative efforts don't give two tin toots about goals. There's you, the story you want to write, the computer that gets it out of your head, and the internal editor standing in the way. If you can get the story done when you want it done, great. If not, who's going to yell at you, demote you, or send you packing? If the answer is "nobody," or "just me," then it's not a problem.

    Worry about you. The story will come.

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  10. Good to hear you're getting better - getting better is what's really important, there will always be other days to write.
    Good luck in the Flash Slam competition I know you'll knock 'em dead! ^_^

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  11. OK, my computer wigged out and erased my nice long comment, so I'm just going to say you have nothing to feel guilty about and for heaven's sake, take care of yourself! No one will read or hear your wonderful words if you don't, and you never need apologize for putting your health first. Feel better! That's AN ORDER. Grrrr. :D

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  12. I’ve nominated you for a Liebster Award! Keep up the good work! :) http://margitsage.com/blog/2014/02/05/leibster-award/

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  13. Sorry to hear you've been under the weather. Health comes first. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to produce a certain amount of work when you're still in discomfort.

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