Bathroom Monologue: Almost

"A lot of people wonder why I'm not going for the homerun title. Just 31 more homers and I get the name, "Homerun King." I wouldn't even have to play a full season. But I don't need it. Listen - I'm not that old. With the money I've made, the healthcare I can get, I'm alive for at least fifty more years. That's fifty years of great baseball players coming for that record. Baseball will get more popular, and more people than ever will get the chance to play. More great players will be discovered and get a chance. And if I take this crown, I'll have fifty years of sitting on the throne, watching the games with my fingers crossed, until someone finally breaks my record. Then I'll watch the whole world celebrate what is essentially my defeat. Do I need that kind of hurt when I'm 50? 60? Do I want my grandkids trying to pretend to Alzheimered-up old grandpa that he still hit the most balls out of the park? No. No and no. You know what I'm going to do this Spring training instead of kill myself training? Take my kids to school in the morning. Help them with their homework. We're going on vacation this summer, for as long as we want, not as long as a general manager and coach allow. If I get the ache, I'll coach little league. Help some kids with their swings. Push my kids on their swing in the backyard. Do you know my wife had to hire a guy to install it? I didn't even get to build it for them. That's not happening at my house anymore. Let somebody else play with the pain and the steroids. I've got family and money, and better things to do. Enough of the game. Your next question better be about the Alzheimer's Association. I just signed as their spokesperson this morning. There are a lot of things about this you ought to know. Since you need it juicy, I'll give you the first fact: my dad was diagnosed with it last week."