Bathroom Monologue: "Do you have any specialties?" -Generic Interviewer

I'm not gay, but I am a white American, so I'm an expert at getting offended on behalf of others. If somebody says a word I don't know and a black guy so much as frowns, I disapprove automatically. If somebody says Israel is responsible for the problems in the Middle East, I demand that anti-Semite resign, regardless of his job. I don't hate originally - I hate those who hate, where appropriate. I hate the KKK, not Mexican coyotes; I think chauvinism is obscene, but feminism is empowering. I know my place. You think "manhole cover" is sexist? I'll start a petition. You think "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" is a Jim Crow law? I'll march on Washington with you. Together we will purge this nation of all its unacceptable bigotry. The acceptable bigotry, which seems overwhelmingly aimed at me, can stay so long as it’s not bothering you. As I said, I know my place, and I'm not alone. There are a lot more people like me than you might think. Heck, half of them don't even notice it.