Bathroom Monologue: The Fear of God (or His supposed gravesite)

"I don't believe in Him, but I'm not cocky. This Guy invented lightning, cholera and the shark. I don't want Him mad at me. Maybe He's dead, maybe He went out for coffee, maybe He's not real - but if the headstone says "God," don't dig up the coffin. He made up the typhoon, the yeast infection and the chainsaw-wielding maniac for fun. This is a planet with tigers, grizzly bears and killer whales, yet the ostrich kills the most people of any wild animal. I don't want to meet the Guy who thought that was funny enough to leave in! Let alone spelunk into His tomb. Do you know what He'd do if He got mad? No, because He hasn't invented it yet! That's the problem. You get mad at me, you have an awful thought, and maybe you settle on punching me in the shoulder. He gets mad at me and suddenly my house is on fire, my crotch rots off and all the first-born sons in the area go missing. This is coming to you from someone who doesn't even think He's there: leave His stuff alone."