Bathroom Monologue: Mission Statement

I apologize. Sincerely. I never meant it to come to this. I never meant to offend you. I never meant us to meet, and once we did, every time I hurt you, it was without forethought. I apologize for this crippling syndrome I’ve been in for the last thirteen years. I apologize for reading so much, and trying to understand people so much of the time. I apologize for that time a sociopath tried to kill me in ninth grade; I apologize further that he did not succeed; and I apologize most of all for the wide-reaching indignation I began to feel that day, that I have felt ever since. I apologize for being an overactive child; if only I had tried to be more complacent and simple, I would be duller and less offensive to you now. If only things had been different, then they might be different now.

But your breasts are still just bags of meat hanging off of a calcium xylophone. And that’s funny.