Bathroom Monologue: Things I am proud of

Walking on two legs. Four-legged animals don't seem to have as much fun. Maybe it's the opposable thumbs. I like those. My eyelashes have never given me much trouble, though they get considerably less attention than the eyebrows, which work half as hard. They deserve an ode, those eyelashes. And my spleen. Someday I'll find out what it does and I'll be mighty proud of it. My intellect? No, I'm not proud of that. It causes me nothing but worry and provides nothing but self-loathing and the occasional laugh at a newspaper article. I could do without it. But it was part of a package deal, and I was shopping on budget.