Bathroom Monologue: The Charges For and Against

Hatiel Essex was apprehended at 3:00 this morning outside a diner in the Zeitgeist III galaxy. He was immediately read his rights (or what was left of them) and presented with the list of the charges pending against him: thirty-six million cases of disturbing the peace; fifty-nine thousand counts of treason; twelve billion cases of unrelated homicide; eighteen thousand cases of genocide; twelve thousand and two hundred cases of suicide; thirteen thousand cases of self-resurrection without a permit; seven hundred and seventy-seven cases of immaculate conception; two million, fifty thousand and five hundred cases of "not quite rape, but definitely not calling her the next day;" nine hundred thousand cases of destruction of private property; six hundred thousand cases of destruction of public property; twenty thousand cases of destruction of public planets; eighty cases of grand theft astro; one hundred and four million cases of violating the code of ethics of the Presidency; and four counts of scalping sports tickets. Mr. Essex waived his right to an attorney and said he planned to plea neither "innocent" nor "guilty," but "Successful."