Bathroom Monologue: Men on the Long-Fabled Feminine Tradition of Greeting Cards, OR, To a Great Godnephew

Let the word go forth from this time and place: cards suck. Christmas cards, Birthday cards, Independence Day cards, it doesn't matter. If they aren't attached to a sports bike or don't contain a check, they're lame. I don't need evidence that you are so unmotivated and unoriginal that you needed to pay Hallmark two bucks for a two-sentence compliment. Oh, and to those people who put their family photos on cards - stop it. Stop mailing the cards. Stop making the cards. Stop having a family, if you can. Your kids are ugly and no one else likes them. Keep them to yourself. If you don't like someone else enough to buy them something they'd actually enjoy, don't mail them proof. A card is paper that folds. You're not fooling anyone.