Bathroom Monologue: Sweet & Sinful

“The seven deadly sins actually make sense. Pride is a sin because, let's face it, you're being kind of a bitch. Sloth is a sin because I can't pay all the bills on my own, Charlene. Lust is a sin because after the second or third go, I really just want a sandwich (you should see a therapist about that). Gluttony is a sin because now there's no bread left when I want that sandwich. Greed is a sin for much the same reason. Wrath is a sin because the other drivers can't hear you bitch about abusing the passing lane. They've already forgotten you exist. Envy is a sin because it always ends up in me having to buy you one of whatever she has. So the sins are sensible. They’re all bad behaviors or behaviors that become bad in excess. But why are they "deadly" sins? Because when I had to drop a month’s paycheck on something called a “Prada puffer jacket,” then listened to you scream at every car that tailgated or passed us on the way home, and to top it all off, found there was no bread left for a sandwich, I realized that “slathering your fiancé in honey and leaving her tied up next to a hill of fire ants” wasn’t on the list of seven. It was nice knowing you, Charlene. I’m off to get some bread.”