Bathroom Monologue: The Efishany

Down in Pine Creek there is a fish that holds a peculiar world record: it’s been thrown back more times than any other in documented history. At least 235 people have caught the Sheldon Gould Bass, and few of them did it out of hunger. The first man to catch it, coincidentally named “Sheldon Gould,” looked into its left eye and immediately realized how to solve all the problems he'd been having with his wife - problems that had him out of their bed at 3:00 AM, and fishing in 30-degree weather. He was so relieved that he didn't even realize he'd thrown the big bass back into the water. It wasn't until the fourth fisherwoman, Rachel Weiss, caught it and looked into its right eye and immediately figured out three habits that would ensure she kick her nicotine addiction, that the public realized there was something up with that fish. All 235 of the successful fishermen and fisherwomen who agreed to be interviewed have confirmed that if you look into one of the fish's eyes, you'll see something in your own mind that you've been looking for. There is only one notable exception, Phillip Barlowe, who saw a medium rare steak. He was very unsatisfied, but he came from a troubled family, and he did go on to open up a very successful chain of bar and grills. We've done our best to discover the source of the Sheldon Gould Bass' power, but everyone who's gone to catch and dissect it had an epiphany and stopped returning our calls.