Bathroom Monologues: What about the pink bits under my nails?

" It's recently come to my attention that presidential hopeful Barack Obama is not black. I was very surprised, given his skin color. Apparently "blackness" is not defined by fleshtones (which is nice to learn, since that is really kind of brown), but instead is defined by having ancestors who were brought over from Africa to the Americas as slaves. Given this revelation, I believe there are further steps that need to be taken in political correctness. For instance, I am not "white." Not only is my skin a pale beige affair with a spattering of sandy taupe freckles, but I have never appreciated being lumped in with the "white group." Hereafter I will not accept your ignorance when you call my people by this inaccurate term. Hereafter, "white people" are only those who owned, shipped and/or bought Africans and their descendents as slaves in the Americas. My lineage comes from Irish and Slavic immigrants, who not only arrived on the continent after slavery was abolished, but who had their own historical horror stories that have gone lamentably ignored because the oppressors and oppressed had the same skin color. Also interesting to note is that there were Africans and African descendents in the Americas who owned, used and abused slaves - the descendents of these Africans and African Americans will hereafter be called "white." Remember, it's not about skin color. It's about the truth. Though there may be some kind of truth about the inane labels we use to culturally segregate each other that I'm missing. Still, I'm sure we'll figure it out once somebody comes up with a color-appropriate, character-inappropriate name for whatever Mr. Obama is. I'm also pretty sure somebody will come up with one and put it in commercials before the 2008 presidential race. "