Bathroom Monologue: Things I'm not Necessarily Proud of, but will Probably do Again

-Yell at the pasta I'm cooking for sticking together because, "You're living in sin!"
-Make "mew" noises at hungry cats until they look like they don't know what I'm talking about and leave in frustration.
-Compare the mentally handicapped favorably to millionaire rappers.
-Lose my mother for twenty minutes in the grocery store when we only needed to pick up two items.
-Get offended on behalf of a religion I've never even thought of joining.
-Imagine how Hercules would have handled the Sermon on the Mount, how Jesus would have handled the Lernaean Hydra, and whether God or Zeus would have won the bet.
-Wash my hair with Strawberry Essence shampoo, use Tropical Explosion bodywash and a fruity deodorant, then go down to the juice bar and try to coax a vegan into cannibalism.