Bathroom Monologue: Things I'd Like to Know

-How the field goal kicker feels after his team loses 42 to 3.
-If light ever slows down just a couple meters per second for a few seconds, just to spite us.
-If any of the telemarketers I've been called by are actually sasquatches trying to fit into the modern economy while living in anonymity. If some are, I'd like to know where they picked up the Indian accents.
-If the sun has a magical property that kills vampires, or if light energy kills them - and if the latter should be the case, if they could be killed by being run over by a solar-powered car.
-How many people would have to be incapacitated for the head coach of the Chicago Bears to be appointed temporary president.
-Why people take the uniqueness of snowflakes as truth without personal empirical research, and what it would mean for physics if three identical ones landed all at the same time - in Stephen Hawking's left eye.
-How many copies of The Collected Works of Jonathan Swift we could print if we recycled every lollipop stick in the world.
-How many awesome forts we could build if we pulped and recycled every ice cream popsicle stick in the world.
-How much money a band would make if they recycled every blank white shirt in the world as their own post-modern limited edition tour shirts.
-If -just once- everyone in the world blinked at exactly the same time and some cosmic being turned off the sun for that splitsecond, and turned it back on before anyone opened their eyes.
-If anyone objected to the above ludicrous situation because video cameras around the world would pick up the moment of darkness.
-If anyone objected to the above objection because a cosmic being capable of installing a lightswitch in a star could probably outsmart a VCR.
-If a rapper has ever pulled fake ebonics words out of his ass while making an album and pulled it off so well that people just made up definitions based on inflection and context, quickly changing them from nonsense to cutting edge street talk.
-If there is life anywhere else in the universe, and if so, what they thought of The Godfather II.