Bathroom Monologue: Dear Kong

I don’t want to fight you. It’s going to end with me picking your remains out of my toes, and I really don’t want to do that since I can’t reach down there. I don’t have the dexterity of a primate, since I’m an antediluvian sauropod. I know you think you’re good in there against dinosaurs. I saw you fight a t-rex and you were very impressive, but you’ve got to understand that I’m not a t-rex. A t-rex comes up to my shin. You climbed the Empire State Building, but I’d probably just knock it over, or breath on it and set it on fire. That’s the size and power difference we’re talking about here, ignoring that I’m so radioactive that if by some miracle you did actually win you’d probably die of cancerous tumors days later. I don’t want that for you. Despite my reputation I am a peaceful creature. I have a son now and am trying to build a respectable life. So please, for your own health, back the fuck off you dumb monkey.

Sincerely,
G.