Bathroom Monologue: Philociraptor

The scariest thing about them is that they can open doors. That means at 2:00 AM one of these bipedal creatures can come busting into your dorm and lecture you on Kierkegard, and if your eyes glaze for even a second she can gut you with her retractable toe claw. The retractable toe claw is not unique to philociraptors, though most other species of philosophy professors are subtler about it, having taken to wearing more expensive shoes. My worst experience was when I thought I was stealthily avoiding one in line at the dining hall – he was terrorizing some freshmen about his upcoming Immanuel Kant seminar – and just as I passed the lime jell-o, ba’am, his teaching assistant got me from the side. They spent the entire lunch hour chewing my ear off about cloning and bio-ethics.