Bathroom Monologue: Balls

The ball was actually invented by September, the Goddess of Disease. It was an act of mercy, not athletics, as no gym teacher divinity could have designed it. It was round, like the planet, and while entertainment was intrinsic, its primary goal was to transmit bacteria from person to person. From floor to person. From wet rugby field to person. And so on.

Consider all the germs it would collect by merely dribbling it on the floor of the Wal Mart in which you purchased it, upon which thousands of other people had previously walked, fell, spit, sneezed and occasionally bled. And what is filthier than the human hand, which scratches the buttocks, cups the sneeze and generally touches more alien materials than any other part of the non-sexual anatomy? The only thing filthier would be the ball, which passes from human to human, hand to hand, wet rugby field to person.

Yet kind September’s gift didn’t cause plagues. Athletes became the paragons of fitness because they were exposed to more exercise and more germs than anyone else. Their immune systems buffed up. Sports were a side effect of her ball. So yes, contrary to the intuition of every kid to ever suffer asthma – disease invented sports, no matter what Apollo has tried to claim since.