-Captain Crunch sails in and beheads the jerk. Macbeth doesn’t even get the chance to lament in unbearably stilted verse at him over it. No, Crunch just sails right in and swings. As the audience mills out of the Globe Theatre, he can explain that as a cartoon mascot he was invented by a marketing firm, and thus was not of woman born.
-Eowyn rides in disguised as a Northumberland soldier and stabs Macbeth to death. She then collapses, infected by his evil, but is later restored to health by Gandalf’s knowledge of herbs.
-Lady Macbeth fucking kills him because they’re the only two developed characters in the fucking play and thus should probably interact in the fucking conclusion.
-The witches show back up and turn out to be realtors on the side who set this whole thing up to get the forests trimmed back. Those removed, their holdings suddenly have a great view of sunsets, the final selling point necessary to begin a timeshare community there, just a stone’s throw away from the new king’s home.
-In Act I, Scene III, when the title fucking character finally shows up, Macbeth and Banquo enter, Macbeth says, “So foul and fair a day I have not seen, it’s too much to bear, so I guess I’ll drink this battery acid.” He then chugs a bucket full of noxious chemicals, collapses, and attendants show the audience to their cars.
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