Bathroom Monologue: Fundamentally

“I was thinking this morning about how I'd like to be gay. Not for the sex - that all sounds nasty. But as it is I have to deal with men because they're my gender, and I have to deal with women because I want to boink them. If I was gay, that's roughly 50% of people I wouldn’t have to talk to anymore. And I'm white, so I'm already cut off from blacks, Asians, Hispanics and so-on. It would really be less than 25%. I'm Methodist, so if I went hardcore gay, I could go hardcore Methodist too, and cut out all the other religions. And since my priest is a total homophobe, I could get excommunicated. Then I wouldn't have to deal with my neighbors anymore. I'd probably work from home and get TiVo, if only I was gay.”