Bathroom Monologue: Zoroastrian Dodgeball

Ahura Mazda, the Uncreated Creator, stood on one side of the gym. Ahriman, bastion of chaos and destruction, stood on the other. The surveyed the line-up of potential players.

As always, destruction won the coin toss.

“I call Apollo,” said Ahriman. “He’s god of almost everything and knows a thing or two about sports.”

“Dodgeball will be in the Olympics next year,” Apollo said, trotting over to the evil side.

Ahura Mazda shook his head. “Narrow-minded. I call God.”

“I’m not playing,” said a transcendent voice. Instead a diminutive North African with a nice beard and a blue robe showed up. He looked hopeful. “It gets boring and Apollo always winds up crying. You can have My only begotten son.”

“We don’t want Jesus! He’s a wuss!”

“He’s not a wuss. He’s a pacifist.”

“Pacifists suck at sports.”

“Pacifists can excel at the cerebral, respectable sports. But if you intend to play this like brutal idiots, yes, you and My son are screwed.”

“Lend a hand," cried Ahura. "I’m pretty much You!”

“That analog trick doesn’t work on Me. I’m in all things.”

The guy in the blue robe trotted over to the side of good. Ahriman sneered.

“I call over… the God of War.”

Half a googolplex of gods went over to the left, some in Greek armor, some in Chinese plate, and millions in grass skirts and wielding pointy sticks.

“That is cheating!” proclaimed Ahura. “You can’t just call what they stand for and take all of them!”

“That’s a fair rule and I second its use henceforth. But you can’t apply rules retroactively, so the gods of war stay on my side.”

Ahura Mazda glowered at his nemesis.

“Fine. I call Gaia.”

The entire planet earth got up from under the gym and moved to Ahura Mazda’s side of the line.

“Shouldn’t be that hard to hit her,” said Angra.

“Should be pretty hard to hit anything hiding behind her,” said Ahura. “Plus, being a spheroid, she might even count as a ball that could hit everyone on your side in one throw.”

Angra Mainyu nodded in hateful respect. “You’ve gotten good at this game.”