Bathroom Monologue: legit lol

A proposal to the civilized people of the world:

Proposed: that anyone who types "legit lol" should have a man dispatched to his or her (hereafter, “the offender”) house. A magnum will be placed to the forehead of the offender’s dearest loved one, be it wife, sister, mother, mother superior, or pet goldfish.

Further Proposed: The offender will then be given the option of watching that loved one blown to kingdom come, or tracking down ten people who type "lol" without actually laughing, and once the offender tracks these individuals down, break their thumbs and forefingers with a foam-covered bat (hereafter, “the defender”).

Finally Proposed: The implement used must be a defender, or otherwise the task will go too quickly. Proper pacing is essential to learning a lesson.