Bathroom Monologue: Fake Craigslist Ad for an Atheologian

EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITY
AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER

Corporation is seeking atheologians to work in various international locations including Fiji, India and Sub-Saharan Africa. Polylinguistics are a plus, but interpreters will be provided. Corporation is not interested in amateurs or speculators; we don’t need agnosticators. We need talented people who are sure they know what God did and didn’t do.

Offering:

-Transportation and assisted movement of belongings to the site.

-Single Apartment (spacious).

-$75,000 per annum on three-year contracts.

-$250,000 life insurance policy.*

Position Requirements Include:

-People skills.

-College Semiotics and/or Symbolism degree,
or five years of field experience in these fields.

-At least ten years experience in saying what God doesn’t do.

Responsibilities Include:

-Making sure we don’t anger the Almighty
and bring down His wrath on our time-sensitive, expensive projects.

-Reporting twice daily to project managers on their potential blasphemies.

-Being sacrificed to appease the deity/deities
if you fail to warn your project managers in advance.

*Being willingly sacrificed may violate life insurance policy.