Bathroom Monologue: Nation Building

Hi. I’m the first president of Matsustan, a brand new federated archipelago in need of a population. I’ve been told to advertise my country to you, but I’m not going to. In an increasingly liberal world, our politics won’t be appealing to most of you weak-souled folk. We don’t hold back here. We will cane you for being an asshole. You do not have the right to speak freely or write whatever you want. If you deny the Holocaust, we will send a police officer to your house and he will kick your left knee in. All other genocide denials will be met with knee-related justice. In Matsustan you will have the right to a comprehensive healthcare system and the right to pay the taxes that cover it. You will not have the right to dodge taxes as we will garnish directly from your wages and audit you annually. Everyone will be audited every year by two separate tiers of audit specialists to ensure even audit specialists pay their fair share. You will not have the right to decide what your fair share is. Since we can’t afford another thirty seconds for this Superbowl commercial, let me close with our national motto: go ahead and try it, that’s why I carry a bat.