Bathroom Monologue: After This, Play Chutes and Ladders

It’s like chutes and ladders. There are several obscure tiers, each connected by many chutes and ladders. Instead of rolling a die to progress across the afterlife, you live a life. Similarly instead of progressing “three” spaces, you progress “average life plus helped out at soup kitchens a lot minus masturbated a little more than was necessary” spaces. How long that is really isn’t conceivable in a world where “three” spaces still makes sense. Anyway you progress based on your life, and if you hit a ladder you ascend, and if you hit a chute you descend. Then you live another life. The object is to get all the way across the board to that final ladder, presumably to Heaven or at the very least to the afterlife’s attic where the other board games are stored. Nobody who has climbed up there has bothered to come back down and tell the others, so we assume it’s really great. It’s also assumed that there are way more chutes than ladders, resulting in the bulk of humanity getting stuck on the bottom row. That’s why overpopulation is so common.