Bathroom Monologue: Invisible Harness

I made the harness you see in all those videogames. You don’t recognize it because it’s invisible after you put it on, but it’s the most versatile paraphernalia storage system since Batman’s belt. You just stick something back there and the Arbitrary Gravity Field stays in place. Look at your favorite games. Resident Evil 5? Guns are floating all over his back and the knife is sheathed at an angle no man could unsheathe comfortable. Devil May Cry? Body-height broadsword just hanging out, not even a snap to hold it in place. God of War? Kratos’s magic chain blades detach from their shackles and hang out like little fairy wings. And whenever these people get thrown to the ground, their guns never discharge and their naked blades don’t shred their flesh. That’s not natural. That’s my handiwork. I’m the guy who made it possible for heroes to stash their weapons as implausibly as they pleased, and for developers to stop rendering backpacks and holsters. Once real world governments stop being so cheap, real world armies will get the same. They’ll have to find their own lightning swords, though.