Bathroom Monologue: Guilty By Nature

[MEGATRAN, a Chinese knockoff of Megatron made from blue plastic instead of white, sits on the right side of the booth. ARYANA sits on the left side wearing a tanned hide pantsuit and nursing a margarita. GRUFF STOVER sits in the center of the booth, his back to the window, wearing a grey sweatshirt and admiring MEGATRAN’s giant plastic cannon.]

Megatran: I'm not a very nice person by nature. It's only by forcing myself to seem nice that I can make it through the day.

Aryana: You're guilty by nature?

Megatran: My mother was Jewish.

[GRUFF looks inside the cannon. His voice echoes out.]

Gruff: I don’t believe that.

Aryana: I think you're nice.

Megatran: I'm really not. I'm judging people constantly. I took a night class in acting just to figure out how to look at people with sympathy. Before that I just stared.

Aryana: You're kidding.

Megatran: I'm not! I love people, but I don't love much about them. They drive me insane, but I want the best for them. The best is a nicer me.

Gruff: Being nice is overrated.

Megatran: I'm a writer. I cannot wait for the day I'm overrated. That means sales and torrents of praise.

Gruff: Torrents of unwarranted praise.

Megatran: And I'm unwarrantedly nice. [Points his non-gun hand at GRUFF] You've been trying to poke holes in my feelings all morning and I'm still giving you a ride to the airport. The least I can get out of it is wealth and legions of fans who should know better.

Gruff: I think you can get less.

Megatran: [Points at GRUFF again] That! Right there!

Aryana: What?

Megatran: When he said that? I judged his smugness, his posture and his crooked teeth.

[GRUFF sits up a little straighter. He purses his lips self-consciously.]

Aryana: Oh you did not.

Megatran: I did. Now he's doing the close-your-mouth thing when somebody reminds you your teeth might be bad. Everybody does it. It's neurotic.

[ARYANA nods. The table hesitates. Then ARYANA closes her lips, hiding her teeth. MEGATRAN stares at ARYANA for a moment, then looks sympathetic.]