Bathroom Monologue: The Moon Landing Was Fake

The truth was only voiced once, on a local radio station in Montana. The next day G-men showed up and seized all tapes of the broadcast. But the host and staff remember the tale.

The guest had worked on the Apollo missions. He said they’d tried in earnest to land up there, and Apollo 11 had almost done it. Then, out of a clear void opened a wormhole, spitting the craft into a faraway planet. It wasn’t grey or airless, waterless or hopeless; it was actually lush with life.

Because the American people wouldn’t have understood what a wormhole was, and would have gone mad from footage of the intelligent and quite friendly extraterrestrial locals, Armstrong and Aldrin had to find the only desolate-looking spot on the otherwise verdant world. They had to re-shoot four times because jovial natives kept wandering in front of the camera to greet humans in peace and explain the meaning of life.

All these years since, NASA has had to maintain the lie that we landed on the moon. In actuality astronauts have been popping into space to hit the wormhole paradise every time. There are many things we could learn from our cosmic neighbors, but the government doesn’t feel it could live down the shame of exposing the fake moon landing.