Bathroom Monologue: Consultation on the Mystery Thief

Wesley waited for the security officer to crack a smile and confess that this was a joke. When the man didn’t laugh, Wesley opened the folder and read the report himself.

“So your intruder only comes at night, even though security detail doubles after six PM?”

“Yes.”

“And you’ve got surveillance tapes on the river bridge showing he never takes it, even though that’s the only way to the highway, and that means he’d have to go through the ravine?”

“Yes.”

“And the only footprints you can find are in a third floor air duct that is so high up and so tightly closed that only a bird or a bat could get up there? You don’t think your mystery thief rides a flock of parakeets in there, do you?”

“No sir.”

“You’re absolutely certain it’s not someone on staff? You do cavity searches before they go home?”

“Yes. We've doubled the amount since the robberies and haven't found an ounce of the goods. The men hate it.”

Wesley winced. “They should. Because you have a lot of recording equipment to not catch even one photo of your mystery thief. You’re sure you don’t have just one, that you’re not showing me?”

“I’ve seen him. So have three others But he evades the cameras somehow.”

Wesley rubbed his eyebrows with thumb and forefinger.

“You’re being robbed by somebody who won’t cross water and can’t be photographed. Fine. You’ve got a vampire.”

He got up, dropping the folder onto the desk. When he reached for his briefcase, the officer asked, “Are you sure that’s the only explanation?”

“No,” he said. He walked to the door. “Your superiors could be playing a prank on me. That’s what I believe, but I’m just a consultant.”