The reader rolls her eyes at her friend and pushes the YA novel away.
“I don’t like that simpering crap. Fiction needs to be dark like real life. Lives don’t end with the good guy winning and faeries dancing. It’s twisted and gutwrenching—”
At which point an author looms over the divider between their tables and smashes her square in the mouth with his laptop. It’s a construction-yellow Toughbook, folded up into a tidy bludgeon.
The reader shrieks, while all the other diners freeze. Even her friend is shocked. The author, dressed in tweed and khakis, climbs the divider and mounts the reader’s table. Everyone’s eyes go up, not at the author, but at his direction. They’re like deer.
“You want it bleak, right?” he asks. It’s a rhetorical question, something that he can seldom pull off on the page but is so easy when you’re speaking out loud. “Got to be bleak! And violent!”
She scrambles to exit the booth, but he swings overhand and connects with her chin. She flails back into the cushions, stuck in the corner of the booth. Before she can contemplate another escape route, he begins swinging the Toughbook into her nose and mouth repeatedly. Its yellow plastic is speckled with red bits in no time.
The diners-cum-deer scatter for the exit. Even the reader’s friend, abandoning her French fries and YA Fantasy.
“Because you lead a joyless and hollow life, I’ve got to write stories validate it! If I write happy things you might be challenged to change. If you laugh at something other than sarcasm, you might grow a soul, and we hate believing in those!”
Her face is a red and pink paste. If she’s conscious, we can’t tell it by her eye movements. They’re erratic in an absent way.
“You want a dark ending?” he asks down at her. “Then don’t press charges. I won’t get brought to justice and you’ll live happily ever after with a mangled face. Choose your own adventure.”
He hops off the table and looks for napkins to wipe off his Toughbook. He hates writing with them dirty, and he has a great story idea.
"You might grow a soul" I love that, John! Fantastic job this week. (and remind me to never eat out with you)
ReplyDeleteHahaha! The laptop is mightier than the pen. There are so many times as a writer I've wanted to hit someone upside the head with a heavy object. This is great, John.
ReplyDeleteWow, the Toughbook is tougher than the sword, to paraphrase Vandamir. Interesting take on the writer/reader relationship.
ReplyDelete“Got to be bleak! And violent!” And it is, John, it is. Brilliant!
ReplyDeleteHaHa, a person should mind their words, writers are a sensitive breed.
ReplyDeleteChoose your own adventure - Bwahahaha!
ReplyDeleteI believe in souls. Otherwise, how could I steal them. ;)
Man, this is one of those, "I wish I'd written that!" ones John! Out-F*ing-Standing!
ReplyDeleteTouche! This was a lot of fun John. I, for one, will be posting it above my desk. :)
ReplyDeleteDoes this mean you really want to write happy faery stories, but you don't think readers will respect you? Are you a closeted optimist, John? Come out! Write those inspirational positive heart warmers. We'll accept you for who you really are, sparkles, sunbeams and all.
ReplyDeleteEven during the gore, I laughed at "you might grow a soul"! Truly a writer gone made story...or maybe we're all mad anyway. You did a good job bringing the image to life. :-)
ReplyDeleteOh, just too priceless, John. The writer's ultimate (wishful?) revenge.
ReplyDeleteToo many great lines here to pick a favorite. For some reason, I pictured them at Denny's... which I'll never see the same way again.
Brilliant and excellent story!
Hold it.
ReplyDeleteThe diners-cum-deer scatter for the exit. Even the reader’s friend, abandoning her French fries and YA Fantasy.
They don't serve fries at Starbuck's. This couldn't possibly have happened.
Maybe with all that happy, faerie writing the violence just has to come out. I always thought that faeries where evil, anyway.
ReplyDeleteI flatly deny I own anything tweed, but otherwise I'm the dead spit with this guy...
ReplyDeletemarc nash
Wait! Are we allowed to do this? Very violent, but an excellent story. This is dark alright...
ReplyDeleteI think my new-writing embargo permits responding to some comments, right? Firstly, thanks to everyone for the compliments and repeating your favorite quotes. That's a lovely thing to wake up to. It's a little late in the day for me to be waking up, but hey. At least I'm sleeping.
ReplyDeleteNow Pamila, do I really want to write happy fairy stories? I've actually written a few and posted them on here, alongside grim Horror and slapstick humor. As far as losing respect, I figure anything I write will lose me somebody's respect.
Gracie and Tony, two-for-one! A Denny's is a totally valid setting. I actually had to go back and re-read it to make sure it wasn't set in a Starbucks after Tony accused me. Now I think his comment is hilarious. Set right in for you?
David, evil faeries? Maybe that's the middle ground. I also think him having repressed violence is a totally valid read on him.
Mr. Marc, are you denying tweed ownership to dodge culpability?
The only thing missing was the woman announcing she writes too and she would have done it "this" way! That's the comment that makes stabby.
ReplyDeleteVery entertaining. I wonder if people who don't write will find it as funny as writers do?
ReplyDeleteNote to self: next computer should be a Toughbook. Last three laptops have broken hinges....
I think I see a crack in the fourth wall there... had a rough time at a coffee shop, John? ;-) The best revenge.
ReplyDeleteGive 'er another whack, one for me! Woo hoo!
ReplyDeleteAs the writer of a YA paranormal and friend to many YA writers aspiring to be published YA writers, I salute you.
ReplyDeleteOh I love that!! As someone who often wants to write "dark and gritty" and ends up writing "humourous", I wholly sympathise with the author.
ReplyDeleteGood call on the Toughbook though. They're epic.
I teach my daughter to keep her comments to herself in public places. The reader probably wishes she could take hers back.
ReplyDeleteThis gave me a feeling of two mirrors refecting each other resulting in an infinite set of subreflections. I liked the description of diners as deer.
ReplyDeleteYou used a toughbook. I've seen these mythical laptops. Now that Apple has laptops lighter than a book I doubt they'll be very useful as deadly weapons for much longer. eBay will be full of "do it yourself" jobbies.
ReplyDeleteWHAM. Hell yes I've wanted to do this, but not to a reader. To ignorant people in general.
That has inspired me to write a story about a cute kitten and ....
ReplyDeleteLoved this one You introduced me to the concept of idea of fun and violence. I'm off to get my shotgun and joke-book.
ReplyDeleteSeriously I loved it's surreal nature, my imagination works just like this.
A welcome chang efrom the ordinary :)
John, one of the things I like about you is that your sense of humor meshes well with mine.
ReplyDeleteThey serve coffee at Denny's, so that works perfectly.
Lusciously demented. Choose your own adventure, indeed. Loved it.
ReplyDelete~jon
How perfectly demented of you. :) I also wonder if writers find it wickedly humorous while non-writers might not...
ReplyDeleteI loved the "Choose your own adventure" line- amongst others. Great story, definitely fun for a writer to read.
ReplyDeleteKari @ The Best Place By The Fire
Dark, yet humourous. Nicely done. Methinks he could use an anger management class.
ReplyDelete"...smashes her square in the mouth with his laptop. It’s a construction-yellow Toughbook, folded up into a tidy bludgeon."
Can there be a more symbolic bludgeon than that? Har!
Brilliant! You might grow a soul - ha! So, what inspired this story? Dare I say -- your best? Peace...
ReplyDeleteI too liked the description of the diners as deer. It was perfect.
ReplyDeleteWhat a brutal story, but one we as a writer I can say I probably have imagined though not actually done..... lol
What they all said!!
ReplyDeleteFantastic piece, John...bet Edward Packard didn't plan on "Choose Your Own Adventure" having that kind of meaning.
Blimey, wasn't expecting that (backing away). Always an element of wish fulfillment in our fiction and you said it for us.
ReplyDeleteA very interesting story there. People should really watch their negative criticism!
ReplyDelete"Fiction needs to be dark like real life". I love how you foreshadowed the ending with that one line. Must be careful what one says, you never know who may be listening.
ReplyDelete