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Friday, November 5, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: A Still Moment

In the last moment of the game, every piece on the frontier chessboard is in motion.

Red Casey looks north up Main Street. The sun is against him, but his eyes are keener, and he is righteous. His fingers splayed at his hip, he can feel the temperature of his iron, though not yet the touch. At touch, they’ll both unholster. He will put a hole in that thieving Kid before his former partner can even finish the draw.

The Kind Kid looks south down Main Street. The sun is vindictive on his neck, burning old rope scars. He knows he doesn’t have Red’s draw speed, but his six-shooter is lighter and the parts are filed down. He doesn’t want to have to gun the best partner he’s ever had, but he will not abide a thief.

Double K, the ten-year-old adopted Kid of the Kid, clutches his cowboy hat to his mouth. His eyes peer out from the side of the road. He wants to yell at Red that he was playing cards with his daddy all night and there is no way he could have stolen the money. This close to guns, though, Double K has no breath with which to yell.

On the opposite side of the road cluster whores and drunks, spilling out of the saloon for the best show all year. The scoundrels who robbed a train without killing a man are going to shoot each other down. The saloon owner doesn’t know what this is over, but watching through the window he wishes he could sell tickets. It’d be an instant sell-out.

Near the center of the mob, like the blossom on a hedonistic rose, is Anne-Marie. Her eyes and bosom are pink from weeping and worry. She has breath this close to guns, and screams an alibi for Red. The Kid simply will not hear it.

On the north side of the saloon’s porch, Deputy Randolph hangs his hands. A rifle is leaned against the banister, and he could use it to stop this, but he hasn’t the authority. Only the sheriff does. And so Randolph must wait, though how long Red and Kid will hold their standoff is a matter of moments.

Sheriff Motley sits on the second floor of his house, the biggest on Main Street. His three hundred pound girth makes his rocking chair creak for mercy. He hears the churn of the mob down the road and chortles to himself, counting dollar bills. All this, he thinks, for a two-bit tip to the saloon owner on when both Kid and Red wouldn’t be in the room with that burlap bag.

The sheriff’s wife watches him from their drawing room. She does not introduce herself into this business, even now. She is forty years and two hundred pounds his junior, just a slice of patience and a chestpang away from inheriting money nobody knows is there. She could almost kiss her husband for keeping it so secret. She won’t do that. Then he’d know that she knows.

On the first floor of the biggest house on Main Street, the Motleys’ butler sprinkles poison into their tea. He’s seen their cash loaf and doesn’t care where it came from; it’s enough for him to finally flee this dusty town. If he can serve the refreshments in time he’ll run down the street. He’s heard there might be a gunfight today, a splendid way to finish his time here. He may even wager some of his newfound riches before catching the next train east.

35 comments:

  1. Superb! Absolutely loved it! Your descriptions of each character are fantastic. Welcome back, John. :)

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  2. A bunch of colorful characters here. It looks like the butler is going to be the big winner of the day, no matter how anything else turns out. Good story!

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  3. nice concatenation.

    The old woman who swallowed a fly, taken out of children's rhyme and into grown up writing - nicely executed.
    Better hope that's a fast acting poison, or it will be a Mexican standoff that ends like Reservoir Dogs.

    marc nash

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  4. Ah we just don't see Westerns enough, and this is a fantastic slice of the Old West. As it happens, I'm gunning for the Kid to win!

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  5. The butler did it! Great peek at a moment in time, leaving it wide open as to what happens next. It felt like looking at at chess board.

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  6. Some brilliantly descriptive character portrayal John, the lust for money does strange things to people.

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  7. The Old West's never been a genre that much captured my imagination, until I read this. Casts all those old westerns in a new light.

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  8. Simply wonderful, John. Just a perfect story and loved the line that the wife was 200 pounds his junior.

    Brilliant!

    Of course the butler did it. Don't they always?

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  9. Just perfect descriptions throughout here John. Amazing how many people a little money can wrap up. Great work!

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  10. The first sentence makes a bold claim and you deliver on it to perfection. Love this!

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  11. A terrific piece of cross and double-cross tension. Well done.

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  12. I enjoy a good Western from time to time, and this one is superb, John.

    Every character is so sharp and clear and placed so well, it really is like a chess board.

    Love this!

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  13. Thanks for the warm reception, folks. I just returned to writing again, and everything you'll see daily will be fresh again. I finished this one up last night about an hour before Friday began.

    Danni, thank you for the welcome. It's good to be back.

    Eric and Mr. Marc, it would be great if the butler arrived in time and lost all his money betting on the wrong man, wouldn't it?

    Icy, do you think we don't see them often enough in #fridayflash or in modern literature? I don't actually know much about the contemporary market.

    Steve and Deanna, it's true, money can be very consuming.

    Sam, I have a softspot for Louis L'Amour, personally. There's an attraction to the mythology of the period.

    Marisa, the 200-pounder line was actually one of my last touches. Glad you liked that.

    Harry and Laura, naturally I wrote the first line first, but it was sort of a challenge to myself, to make every paragraph and corresponding character useful. No complaints so far...

    Tony, thanks!

    Gracie, "superb?" Thank you kindly. Glad this served your occasional fix for cowboys.

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  14. Haven't seen or read a westen for quite a bit now.
    Haha, the butler always did it! Great piece John, loved him :)

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  15. I don't know about the contemporary market although it does seem a while since there were any big Westerns...it's all horror mash-ups like Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, chick-lit or those godawful vampire books over here at the moment. But there definitely aren't enough in Friday Flash!

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  16. I imagined this as a very cinematic piece as it moved from character to character. Very well drawn characters and I like that everyone has a guilty part to play.
    Adam B @revhappiness

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  17. Loved the way this circled around to the key holder of all -- the butler. Great characters, lots of tension, and superb writing. You just get better and better! Peace...

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  18. The characterization is very nicely done in this piece with each of them quickly being realized with motivations and feelings.

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  19. Come to think of it, Icy, there is that sub-market for "weird westerns" in speculative fiction. And there are the mash-ups you mentioned. I wonder what the contemporary straight-Westerns market is like, and/or if films like the Coen's Tru Grit will help it any.

    Estrella, it's true, the butler did the last of it.

    Gany, Aidan and Adam, thanks for the kind words. I had fun spinning all their bits together.

    Linda, you think he'll keep the money? That there won't be another human chess game later? What a happy ending.

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  20. Very interesting.I like how everybody has different perspectives on the same matter.

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  21. A town rich with ulterior motive and intrigue. And John W. is there to relate the sordid tale to the masses. There were so many clever lines in that it would take too long to relate them all. The paragraph about the sheriff's wife was my favourite. Fantastic writing, my friend.

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  22. Gorgeous! Like a finely woven tapestry building layer upon layer of complexity to weave a single moment in time that will end in a heartbeat. I will be in love with this for a long time to come.

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  23. This is a hilarious little story, John, and so complete and vivid. Fine work dude sir. Oh, did I say "dude" out loud?

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  24. Great little moment before the big moment - like something out of a spaghetti western, where they all stare and the music plays. well done!

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  25. The Double K Kid was too cool John, but the double-trouble-triple dealings thriller was even a better show than Main Street's medley of whores and more.

    "At touch, they’ll both unholster." and "like the blossom on a hedonistic rose, is Anne-Marie." were wonders to repeat softly. Moniker on Sheriff Motley worth your own shining pinned on star. (The sheriff has a butler? Don't tell Wyatt Earp)

    ~ Absolutely*Kate

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  26. John, I just read through the slew of your commentators (didn't want to be influenced after the joy-read I had of your intrigue league) -- gotta commend you the more for the mythological appeal to the best o'the West. Well that and Mr Nash marc'ing the Reservoir Dogs analogy after 'the old woman who swallowed a fly' < Pretty damn cool when a writer's brilliance brings out the responders' *shine*. ~ A*K, back to the NFL

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  27. This really feels like a still moment on the chessboard in your first sentence - almost as if we're hovering above the frontier town, and the camera or reader is panning from one character to the next, slotting each piece of the puzzle together as they go and trying to work out what it will look like before getting to the end and who will make the decisive and winning move. What a brilliant piece of writing.

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  28. I love how this goes from character to character giving us a complete view of the entire scene in small bits of each person in it... and the whole picture in it's pieces.

    Well done!

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  29. I've been wanting to pen a western flash... You've inspired me, John... again.

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  30. Great vignettes of each of the characters, I loved the hedonistic rose for example. Such a visual piece, great depth in such a few words. Really well done.

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  31. Thanks for the kind words, all. And Anthony, glad to provide a little inspiration.

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  32. This is how you write characters. Super job on this one, John.

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  33. You have to look out for those butlers. They'll kill you every time, be poison or candle stick or knife. Cool story, John. I enjoyed all the twists and turns.

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  34. Twists on twists on twists here, John. Wicked. Loved it.
    ~jon

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