Friday, April 1, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: The Real Sword of Damocles

So there was this Greek suck-up named Damocles who got a free lunch at Dionysius the 2nd’s barbecue. Damocles saw all the food, cooks, concubines and other assorted suck-ups, and praised Dionysius’s job. Who wouldn’t want this?

Thinking to show Damocles and the court that it’s hard on the streets for a pimp, Dionysius offered to switch places. He’d be the professional hustler suck-up for a day, and Damocles would rule.

As he stepped down from the throne, he told the guards to leave a sword hanging around to remind Damocles of the responsibilities of office. It was going to be a metaphor or something.

But the second the new ruler Damocles stepped up, he told the courters to cut that crap down. When they got the sword down, he ordered one of them to follow Dionysius around with it. He ordered them to behead the bastard if they could catch him, since that way he could keep these sweet digs. And if they didn’t, well Damocles would get the heck out of Greece. If Dionysius was psychotic enough to leave swords floating over the seat he’d just offered, it wasn’t safe around here.

So the armed courtier stalked Dionysius around his own palace until sunset. He’s hiding behind vases and under the skirts of third-rate hookers, forced to realize if anybody replaces him they could be madmen and the whole territory will go rotten. Look how little time it took Damocles to go bloodthirsty? Playwrights hammed this stuff up something fierce as the great example of politicians fearing that their replacements are going to be incompetent, malicious or worse. I think it’s Cicero that said, "Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?"

So the sun sets. Damocles is off the throne and already at the docks with the biggest boat he could “commandeer” as temporary ruler, loaded with gold and ladies. He sets sail before comeuppance can come up. Dionysius resumes the throne and his whole regime goes mad tyrannical, to make sure that only his competent self ever rules this poor world.

That’s how I heard it.

23 comments:

  1. Any chance of getting Snoop Dogg to narrate this one?

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  2. Ha! This is hilarious John, especially, "It was supposed to be a metaphor or something."
    Fun, fun, fun!

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  3. Interesting take on the phrase! I think I prefer your version.

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  4. Harry, I am open to negotiations of Mr. Dogg has his check book out.

    Deanna, we'd have to ask Damocles if he appreciated the metaphor. Thanks!

    Icy, the Damocles story is one I perpetually forget and have to look up. A month ago I looked it up again and thought it made some sense, but embodied a popular idea of political power. I didn't know a story that embodied the fears of politicians who are going to be replaced. Maybe I ought to have created an original one, but there's always next week. Glad you liked my version!

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  5. You should definitely do more of these. #greektragedyface

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  6. Your variety always amazes me. Greek comedy, nice!

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  7. It was going to be a metaphor or something.

    How succinct. I agree. More of these would be fun.

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  8. Danni and Laurita, what would you like to see in more of these? Hearsay-Myths about Hercules's love life, Peruvinian giant fisherman or whose kitchen the Big Dipper is from?

    Chuck, I like to mix these up. Daily and for #fridayflash. It's art in itself, but it's also practice, and I like keeping a limber mind. Thank you kindly for the compliment.

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  9. I love your take on politics! :)

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  10. Damocles is off the throne and already at the docks with the biggest boat he could “commandeer” as temporary ruler, loaded with gold and ladies.

    Insert the name of most any modern politician, and I think you'd find a near-perfect match. Except for the ladies part, that is.

    Good take on the sword story.

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  11. Laura, it's a fascinating field, if only for the oversimplified ways outsiders look at it (and sometimes, the oversimplified ways its participants follow).

    Stephen, and he was only in politics for a day.

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  12. I love the policitcal aspect of this piece. Although I am wondering why Dionysius offered to switch places instead of Damocles convincing him to switch. I don't really know the story so I'll have to go look it up to see if I'm missing something.

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  13. love the voice on this one, so in your face. peace...

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  14. Fun stuff. Might be fun to rewrite all the Greek myths in contemporary vernacular..."Dude, so like, Jason was totally ripping it up and the Argonauts were all like 'yeah', and shit..."

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  15. Lara, maybe I didn't cover that well enough. I intended to impose that Damocles regarded the life of a ruler as too easy, and so the ruler was convinced to make them swap. I can see more swindling being an alternative motivation, though.

    Linda, he is a blunt narrator, isn't he?

    Teemcp, I've had other modern takes on Greek stories. I don't know if I could bear to do them all - I'm currently doing something similar to American history, though.

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  16. Nice closure, the mad tyrranical nicely ends the piece for me and adds to the political aspects of it. It probably doesn't say anything good about me that I giggled at Dionysius under the skirt of a third-rate hooker.

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  17. First clue that this would be hilarious: "So there was this Greek suck-up named Damocles who got a free lunch at Dionysius the 2nd’s barbecue" Love it, John - keep up the good work :-D

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  18. If Snoop is rapping with Charlie Sheen then I see no reason why he can't stop by here...

    I really enjoyed this, John... Your spin is always inventive.

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  19. Hahaha! A good take on the old story John, and possibly more factual than the original. :)

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  20. Excellent! Adds some nice humor to the ol' story, though I don't know if I've ever heard the Sword of Damocles story (have heard of it, of course, but can't recall the actual tale). I may have to go Google a "boring" version.

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  21. Aidan, it's probably my favorite line, so at worst it says something bad about both of us. We can commiserate at the next Greek mixer.

    PJ, I had to lead with the narrator's ignorant verbiage. Let you know the intellectual level we're working at. Glad it clicked for you - and thanks for reading!

    Anthony, so I'm par with Sheen? If only, for the fame.

    Steve, posh, this is completely historically inaccurate. Hookers didn't wear long skirts back then, and even if they did, a third rate one would never have made it into that party.

    Eric, I think the phrase 'sword of Damocles' is more famous at this point than the story it emerged from. Can't blame some of my audience for not having read it, though it's a simple tale and well worth picking up.

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  22. I love this treatment. It approaches like an informal rant but clearly is supported by the research/knowledge. Reminds me of slam poetry like Ernie Cline, and similar.

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  23. This is great — and probably closer to the truth than the original. I mean, how hard can it be to miss a sword dangling from the ceiling — especially right over your own chair? At that point, Damocles had the right idea. Plunder the kingdom and sail the heck outta there!

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