Bathroom Monologue: Why We Need a Pool

“And a pool. A pool is the only place you’re safe from sharks. The ocean? Sharks live there. The sea? Sharks live there. The lake? Don’t delude yourself. In nineteen-sixteen a great white shark swam up a lake in New Jersey and bit off a child’s legs. You can’t just go swimming anywhere. Only a closed, heated, chlorinated pool is safe from sharks. I guess a bath tub is, but you can’t swim in that. You might say we’re safe from sharks on land, but what if they develop mechanical legs? Then the highways would be unsafe. Even your bathtub, in your bathroom, would be accessible to a killer techno-shark. Only the pool would protect us, because the mechanical legs would malfunction in the water, so the sharks wouldn’t go in there. You’ve got to get us a pool, Dad, or you’re essentially killing us all.”