Bathroom Monologue: Athenaists

Athena slapped the newspaper against her gilded breastplate. Her grey eyes brightened with joy.

“Did you see that headline? Fastest growing group in America.”

Aleus looked up at his mistress. “The unemployed?”

“Atheists!”

She was on the verge of dancing on the edge of Olympus. Her bare feet skittered and wove along the edges of clouds.

Aleus set the tea aside. He approached cautiously, uncertain if this was one of her jokes.

“And you’re… excited about that, Madame?”

“It’s been ages since I had so many adoring fans. Really pissed me off when the feminist movement didn’t worship me.”

“Pardon, Madame?”

“I barely got three prayers out of the whole cult.” She clutched the paper to her chest and doubled over the heavens to peer down onto the mortal coil. “You know I was at the first bra burning. Heroic endeavors and all that.”

“You think the atheists worship you?”

She straightened. Aleus thought this was when the punchline would come, but instead her face contorted with disdain. She pointed to herself. “Hello. ‘Athena?’ All those Atheists must love me. It’s the clearest endorsement since Athens.”

“Madame, I don’t think…”

“Look at all the scientists in there. I’m the goddess of wisdom. Of course they love me. I’m going down to earth immediately. What do you think? Classic robes or modern power suit? I don’t want to come off too… you know. Hillary Clinton.”

“I really think that’s just going to upset them.”

“You think it’d intimidate some to meet me in the flesh?”

“Something like that, Madame.”

She resumed her perch over the mortal coil, grey eyes singling out her special little folk. “Maybe I’ll go as a talking owl. Ease them into the grace of their mistress.”

“Perhaps that’s for the best, Madame.”