Whoa. I love this. Disbelief at some apocalyptic incident, a dream, a stroke or some other confusion. It doesn't matter because the moment is rendered so intense and immediate and I for one, care about the man and what he's going through.
Like dreams I remember, there's a lot of randomness going on, but there always seems to be a theme to it. It really conjured up some vivid imagery. I wonder if the coat will be enough to protect them, but I think it's their bond for each other that is stronger and will see them through.
I think the visuals of all that bright yellow actually made my pupils shrink! I like reading abstract stuff once in a while, and I think this might have actually gotten me into that mood it was so well done.
The urgency actually had my heart beating faster by the end. I love how the light was so overwhelming, espcially in this line: " My yell is louder than the train’s thumpa-thumping, but not louder than the light."
As I read this I kept think of a near death experience. Maybe I'm strange. It's evocative of someone who is not fully conscious but in that twilight zone between waking and sleeping.
There are some turns of phrase here I really like. For example the last line.
I honestly don't know how I feel about this one though. It think its well written but do I like it? I've read it a couple of times as I feel quite fickle. Weird! I didn't like it on the first read, so I read again to work out why to find that, actually, I did like it. Now confused!
A nice bit of surrealism here, I think. I liked the line "I know you can hear me, and I know you don’t care, about what I say, or about yourself, or about fading into nonsense, but please just take it." Seems to be the fate of many married couples.
Knowing you, I'm betting each element in there — the platform, yellow light, track, trench coat, the wife — are all symbols for something. But it's too early on a Saturday morning to start figuring out what they are.
I had no idea where you were going with that. It is all about the light, moving to the light, the woman you're chasing is in silhouette yet you know she's naked in the bright yellow light. The whole thing seems like a horribly uncontrollable dream of running, running, running, and I'm thinking: This guy got some bad anchovies on his pizza. But then you end it with that last line which by some act of wizardry seems to bring it all together in a way which makes the reader go, Awwwwwwwwwww, and feel sort of good about life.
I love happy endings -- thank you John! You took the reader on a wild roller coaster ride there with this elusive wife swiftly running away from this poor man who only wants to cover her. And the train was genius - for the build up of tension.
That the individual didn't know whether he was dreaming (again) or not, that he had trouble remembering when he might have met his wife, so was she real, was any of this real? - all these paint possibilities for the reader, without coming down hard on any one side. I love it.
I also liked how, dreamlike, time flowed differently, the space the characters were in was also fluid.
And this - "...like a kite I hope will take flight underground" just appeals to me.
"It’s not bright yellow; it’s yellow, and it’s bright, and it’s so bright that every wall and rail and commuter is reduced to contours."
For what is a pretty abstract concept it's surprising how well this works, visually. The whole piece, in fact, is strongly visual and I never really found myself lost until the end, which just left me a little adrift.
The journey was enjoyable though and I'm not sure if a more definitive ending might have spoilt the effect by nailing it down too much. Some great turns of phrase and imagery in there, too. =)
'Nightmare? Hell?' Paradise regained.
ReplyDeleteInteresting - what paradise are you thinking of?
DeleteWhoa. I love this. Disbelief at some apocalyptic incident, a dream, a stroke or some other confusion. It doesn't matter because the moment is rendered so intense and immediate and I for one, care about the man and what he's going through.
ReplyDeleteThe keen appreciation for light could be a stroke indicator - good call, Alison! Love your theorizing.
DeleteThis feels like a rebirth. Another of the abstract pieces you do so well.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Tim! Did anything strike you as particularly evocative?
DeleteA luscious, sensual tone poem. Great work, John, truly a visceral piece.
ReplyDeleteI felt as if I were running in that yellowness with him. This is a piece about senses and works on many levels. Good, interesting writing.
ReplyDeleteLike dreams I remember, there's a lot of randomness going on, but there always seems to be a theme to it. It really conjured up some vivid imagery. I wonder if the coat will be enough to protect them, but I think it's their bond for each other that is stronger and will see them through.
ReplyDeleteI think the visuals of all that bright yellow actually made my pupils shrink! I like reading abstract stuff once in a while, and I think this might have actually gotten me into that mood it was so well done.
ReplyDeleteSurreal with a sense of completion and hope.
ReplyDeleteAdam B @revhappiness
The urgency actually had my heart beating faster by the end. I love how the light was so overwhelming, espcially in this line: " My yell is louder than the train’s thumpa-thumping, but not louder than the light."
ReplyDeleteHis observations draw me in deeper. The way he sees this proto-wife as always faster than himself intrigues me.
ReplyDeleteVery cool. I love the image of the trench coat in the air, a kite. Peace...
ReplyDeleteAs I read this I kept think of a near death experience. Maybe I'm strange. It's evocative of someone who is not fully conscious but in that twilight zone between waking and sleeping.
ReplyDeleteNice piece of writing.
There are some turns of phrase here I really like. For example the last line.
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't know how I feel about this one though. It think its well written but do I like it? I've read it a couple of times as I feel quite fickle. Weird! I didn't like it on the first read, so I read again to work out why to find that, actually, I did like it. Now confused!
Intense, John. for some reason it reminded me about the occasions when I have dreamt about drowning.
ReplyDeleteA nice bit of surrealism here, I think. I liked the line "I know you can hear me, and I know you don’t care, about what I say, or about yourself, or about fading into nonsense, but please just take it." Seems to be the fate of many married couples.
ReplyDeleteKnowing you, I'm betting each element in there — the platform, yellow light, track, trench coat, the wife — are all symbols for something. But it's too early on a Saturday morning to start figuring out what they are.
The tension of brightness and darkness works well here - good storytelling - thanks
ReplyDeleteI like the play with light. Different then your usual work, but I liked it, John. I'm glad you shared!
ReplyDeleteI had no idea where you were going with that. It is all about the light, moving to the light, the woman you're chasing is in silhouette yet you know she's naked in the bright yellow light. The whole thing seems like a horribly uncontrollable dream of running, running, running, and I'm thinking: This guy got some bad anchovies on his pizza. But then you end it with that last line which by some act of wizardry seems to bring it all together in a way which makes the reader go, Awwwwwwwwwww, and feel sort of good about life.
ReplyDeleteThanks for that.
I love happy endings -- thank you John! You took the reader on a wild roller coaster ride there with this elusive wife swiftly running away from this poor man who only wants to cover her. And the train was genius - for the build up of tension.
ReplyDeleteIntense, emotionally charged, and beautiful. Just a beautiful piece of writing. One of your best, imo!
ReplyDeleteInteresting. So, "Surface" - noun or verb?
ReplyDeleteThat the individual didn't know whether he was dreaming (again) or not, that he had trouble remembering when he might have met his wife, so was she real, was any of this real? - all these paint possibilities for the reader, without coming down hard on any one side. I love it.
I also liked how, dreamlike, time flowed differently, the space the characters were in was also fluid.
And this - "...like a kite I hope will take flight underground" just appeals to me.
Very cool, as Linda said, indeed.
"It’s not bright yellow; it’s yellow, and it’s bright, and it’s so bright that every wall and rail and commuter is reduced to contours."
ReplyDeleteFor what is a pretty abstract concept it's surprising how well this works, visually. The whole piece, in fact, is strongly visual and I never really found myself lost until the end, which just left me a little adrift.
The journey was enjoyable though and I'm not sure if a more definitive ending might have spoilt the effect by nailing it down too much. Some great turns of phrase and imagery in there, too. =)