There are some footfalls up until 13:10 on the tape, at
which point the guards seem to conclude their rounds. We identify two speakers,
listed in documents as Guard 01 and Guard 02, numbered in order of their speech
on the tape. All audible communication is transcribed below.
“Why do they call it ‘The Widow?’”
“You know guns shoot people, right?”
“Yeah?”
“Because you’ve got one there, and if you don’t know what it
does, I want another partner.”
“You don’t call my gun ‘The Widow.’”
“Well this is top of the line, [NAME REDACTED]. It’s going
to kill a lot more people than your little security side-arm. This is going to
win the war, so this is the one you call ‘The Widow.’”
“But it’s still not a widow.”
“It makes widows.”
“Now if it was a ‘Widowmaker’…”
“Dude, ‘Widowmaker’ is played. There’s like, a thousand guns
called ‘Widowmaker.’”
“But ‘Widow’ is inaccurate! That’s like saying, I don’t
know, that women who lose their spouses are super-good at headshots. My mom
raised me alone, and she’s really nice.”
“[NAME REDACTED]…”
“You like my mom. You came over for Christmas.”
“There are killer spiders called ‘widows,’ okay? It’s named
for a [PROFANITY REDACTED] spider.”
“They didn’t call it ‘The Black Widow,’ and the gun doesn’t
look like a spider. Plus, don’t those kill their mates? So does the gun kill
anybody that works with you? Why would you make that?”
“You want me to [PROFANITY REDACTED] open the [BLASPHEMY
REDACTED] case and show you that it looks like a spider? Because if that will
shut you up—”
“Maybe the gun had a husband. Is the cartridge its husband? And
like, does every new cartridge mean she got widowed?”
“Oh my [BLASPHEMY REDACTED], I’m opening it. If you say
anything else about The Widow, I will take it out and shoot you with it.”
“Why are you so—”
At this point on the tape there is a loud bang followed by
two consecutive thumps. It is presumed that The Widow was stolen at this time.
Why the two guards were knocked unconscious instead of killed is subject to
investigation, but Guard 01 believes the thief didn’t want to create any
widows. Guard 02 refuses to talk to him anymore.
Guns don't kill people. People having conversations about guns do.
ReplyDeleteAnd how!
DeleteI might have punched that guy...grrr.
ReplyDeleteAnyways I liked the feel of this with the whole recorded tape and redacted names, profanity and my favorite, blasphemy!
Haha, I'm glad the redacted bits worked. They came into my head as I was working on it, and I couldn't bear to shed them.
DeleteMaybe he was just looking for a window of opportunity, I mean. The dead man may have just talked himself to death.
ReplyDeleteIt certainly is an opportunity is 02 opened the case, right?
DeleteGreat read - the ending leaves me perplexed - that's a good thing
ReplyDeleteGlad you enjoyed it. What perplexed you in the ending?
DeleteThe redacted speech really bring this alive, sort of elevate it to a Tarantino "Cheese Royale" conversation. If anything you could have gone a bit more on what I took to be the male & female gendering of things such as the cartridge to the gun etc, the whole thing about it being a 'widow'
ReplyDeletemarc nash
I simply ran out of steam there - I would have gone utterly artificial to pad it out and explore the gun's sex, though perhaps if I'd let it sit for another week the will would have changed. How much of a difference does it make to you, Marc?
DeleteI'd rather like a gun with a nickname like "The Windowmaker", though.
ReplyDeleteIt assassinates walls.
DeleteI laughed out loud at so many parts of this. The [redacted] made me feel like I was reading something I didn't have the clearance to see. Hope nobody comes after me with a widow.
ReplyDeleteHappy to make you laugh, Laurita! That was the goal.
DeleteI agree, the [redacted] parts really made this story. Great, fun and thought-provoking story John!
ReplyDeleteI'm curious - what thoughts did the piece provoke?
DeleteIt was in newspaper accounts of Nixon'x tapes following the Watergate break-in that I first saw the use of [expletive deleted]. The redacted parts made this feel more real.
ReplyDeleteHaha, that was where my mind went when naming 01 came up.
DeleteSo clever, John. My favorite parts were the [BLASPHEMY REDACTED] inserts, differentiating them from the mere expletives. It has the feel of a real report of an incident. Well done!
ReplyDeleteTake care,
JC
I hoped for a semi-authentic account of a semi-preposterous incident - so it sounds like I at least half-won, right?
DeleteThis was witty. Loved the whole [PROFANITY REDACTED] thing!
ReplyDeleteI'm relieved people liked that gimmick so much. Thanks, Larry.
DeleteWhat they said.
ReplyDeleteIs this a response to ME2 btw?
The Widow did come out of ME3, yes sir. Started talking to myself about it while I played.
DeleteHaha! It strikes me that if these two guards had been "Guarding" instead of arguing they might have been a bit more prepared when the thief turned up.
ReplyDeleteIsn't that always the case? I know it is when I guard top secret weapons.
DeleteBrilliant as always, John. I needed this laugh today.
ReplyDeleteHappy to serve, Bev!
DeleteIt's named after the Widow Nebula, obviously.
ReplyDeleteIt shoots galaxies?
DeleteLaughed out loud at the part where the partner says maybe the gun had a husband- the cartridge and every time a new cartridge is put in, the gun is a widow etc etc.
ReplyDeleteThis is clever, John.
Oh that was fun...The redacted parts worked beautifully.
ReplyDeleteDid anything in particular make them work for you?
DeleteThis is what scares me about being in places with 'security'. The names/profanities redacted a stroke of genius. Peace...
ReplyDeleteLOL Made me laugh. I didn't get the REDACTED bit until the end, but it made sense than.
ReplyDeleteDry, witty, excellent as usual. ;)
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this. The unusual format suited it well, and the banter was rather amusing!
ReplyDeleteI would have also been annoyed by it being called The Widow, but I wouldn't have harped on it like that guy did. Never argue with a person who has a gun. Unless you know it's empty and you can take them. Then maybe you take your chances!
ReplyDelete[PROFANITY REDACTED]
Made me laugh too!
Catching up on last week's Flashes ...
ReplyDeleteVery funny..and quite Pythonesque too.. love your hilarious use of REDACTED
Always a masterclass in style and substance.
ReplyDeleteAdam B @revhappiness