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Monday, May 21, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: He Walked in on the Wrong Reality


"I expected a cabaret. A cabaret full of hookers. Or, a castle, and you’d be Dr. Doom. I could definitely see you programming a virtual reality where you wore a cape. But this…?

"What is with all the pre-teens, dude?

"A virtual reality all-girls Junior High? What? You come home from work to two-hundred kids in school uniforms? And why are you bald in your fantasy? Never would I have imagined you to program yourself as a balding, middle-aged principal. You’re, like, forty imaginary years older than them. That’s so creepy I want to avoid having kids just so you can’t go near them.

"That all these relationships seem platonic and chaste and adorable? I think that’s actually creepier than if you were a pedophile. If you were a pedo, I don’t know, I’ve been on 4chan. I’ve seen that. I can deal with that. What crazy fetish makes you tie a little virtual girl’s shoes and settle playground fights? What the fuck was with that kid crying on your shoulder about a B- for half an hour? What the fuck hobby is this?

"Some people watch trains. Some people collect doll houses. Is this like doll houses? Is this your version of little porcelain shoes and balsa dining tables? Please tell me that’s what this is, because if this has a seedy dimension, I think I’ll have an aneurysm.

"Please let me log back out to the real world. I promise I will never look in here again."
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7 comments:

  1. Larry KollarMay 21, 2012 at 10:58 AM

    Now why do I have that Abba song stuck in my head? "I know there's something going on!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. John WiswellMay 21, 2012 at 5:07 PM

      See, that's just your own VR fetish, Larry. No judging!

      Delete
  2. Danielle La PagliaMay 21, 2012 at 1:39 PM

    As a mom I found this particularly disturbing. Nicely done.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. John WiswellMay 21, 2012 at 5:07 PM

      Right? You'd never look at that guy the same way at the bus stop again.

      Delete
  3. Elephant's ChildMay 21, 2012 at 7:15 PM

    Haven't we all walked in on the wrong reality from time to time? Wonderful title, wonderful post. Going away thinking AGAIN.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Peter NewmanMay 22, 2012 at 5:22 AM

    And that's why they're secret fantasies! No I'm not telling mine, although the idea of being Doom for a day appeals and I love castles...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Daniel RitterMay 22, 2012 at 12:09 PM

    Bit of a "Being John Malkovich" feel to it (when he walks through his own little door). I dig the crazed surreal feel, most times; no disappointment here!

    (Also, I believe I've got that commenting problem fixed. Firefox requires the use of third-party cookies, which was not set in mine. With that one, the Blogspot login session persists, and allows comments to operate as one would expect. woot, as the kids say.)

    ReplyDelete