Click here to hear the news report.
In
a radical reversal of roles, today the U.S. government banned the
military from gays. War will no longer be allowed to be declared where
there are any gay people, to avoid exposing soldiers to what one White
House staffer called, “uncomfortable environments.”
The
Prime Minister of Iran quickly explained that earlier speaking snafus
were mistranslation and there are indeed homosexual people in his
country. In fact, he added, “I may be gay, or may have a gay person near
me at all times!”
In related news, the governments of
North Korea, Sudan and Venezuela have begun importing people of
alternative lifestyles in bulk. Massive tax credits, free upscale
housing and ludicrously generous civil unions have been offered to lure
these sexual expatriots, or "sexpatriots," as bloggers have begun to
call them.
North Korea and China entered a bidding war
this morning to attract the cast of the now-defunct Bravo television
series “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” hoping to have them spruce up
their capitols. Anonymous sources close to the bidding war say
government heads hope to make their populations look more fabulous and
thus render their countries even more immune from military action.
No officials would confirm these allegations.
“We’ve
been planning this for a long time,” explained one North Korean
insider. “Our tight borders have left us unfashionably stuffy. The
glorious leader is a longtime fan of Queer Eye. This has absolutely
nothing to do with avoiding being attacked by a major superpower.”
More as this story develops.
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