Pages

Friday, June 15, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: The Sunrise Apocalypse


My favorite is probably the Sunrise Apocalypse. It’s sort of a three-way, right? Because first you got the meteors hitting the planet, and the monsoons of dust blotted out the sky. That killed off the sauropods, as best we can tell, by killing off all the above-ground plants. Then the underground plants poked up and allegedly took over the planet, but that’s probably a crock, right? Because they starved to death next, without the sunshine. Though it is funny to imagine a bunch of giant vine-monsters busting through the crust thinking its their time to rule, and wilting a week later.

So you knock off most of the sauropods, and most of the giant plants. That left the mammals in control, which is when vampirism really took off. The World of Night, where rats and fanged birds carried the plague across the entire continent. Tribes of infected centaurs and humans laid waste to any straggling healthy civilizations.

It was vampirism like the world has never known since. There were so many that they were forced to hold each other back and let blooded critters breed. They farmed people, region by region. The imps and centaurs still live where vampires stuck them, claiming ancestral birthright, even though that birthright was a nightmarish pen. The wars of that period were of impatient vampires against cultured ones, killing each other over the expiration dates of mammals. And then there was the apex predator.

There’s the legend – the awesome legend – of the infected tyrannosaur rampaging the south coast. It never spread the disease because it just ate anything it came across – centaurs, dorads, anything. Your people hid in a cave? Then a bat flutters in, and before you realize it, the bat turns into a vampire tyrannosaur and he’s eaten your entire tribe. I love that people believe it’s still skulking in the volcanoes of the south. I don’t even care if it’s real. Who doesn’t want to believe in a vampire tyrannosaur, blending in with lava mist or drinking sharks at the bottom of the sea?

If it’s still swimming around, it’s all that survived. Because under the torrents of dust, they were unbeatable kings and queens, spreading their disease at will and treating the planet as a buffet. Then the planet closed for business by clearing the atmosphere. It was the first morning in nine hundred years. The sun crawled across this continent, frying skinny-dipping biters, their ranchers and warlords, ones fleeing in the forms of bats or wolves, though still more standing slack-jawed in awe. They’d thought the sun was a fairytale.

Funny that they all turned to fairy dust. I hear faeries eat vampire bones, and pay handsomely if you can find some.

Hands-down, the best apocalypse. It was just a sunrise. A little twinkling of a nearby star, checking to see how we were doing and eradicating most of the undead in existence. If only it was that easy to get rid of tentacle monsters.

32 comments:

  1. My favorite apocalypse? Will be whatever happens long after I am dead and gone. But this is a good one too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't blame you at all, even though I'd like to brag about going out in the big blaze when I reach the Pearly Gates.

      Delete
  2. Interesting, I don't know what my little girl would think about fairies eating vampire bones

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Care to check with her and get back to us? I'm interested in polling data on fairies eating vampires.

      Delete
  3. Wow that was a Monster of a story, sorta natural history lesson with a bite! I've always know that fairies were tricky little buggers! ^_^

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just building a little of the natural history of my Fantasy world. I dare other backstories to an armwrestling match.

      Delete
  4. A vampire tyrannosaur is so cool it bypasses my common sense circuits with ease.

    I have the sudden urge to run some D&D...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now what common sense disagrees with a vampire tyrannosaur, Peter? I'm highly curious for the objections. They may be more amusing than the answers.

      Delete
  5. Vampire tyrannosaurs had me doing the "we are not worthy" gesture, a la Wayne's World.
    and I can totally see fairies eating vampire bones.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha, thanks Mazzz! Wayans World comparisons are the kind of praise a fella needs.

      Delete
  6. So much mashed-up here--love the vampire bone-eating faeries. No wonder they're so freaking ethereal. I buy your theory, totally. Peace...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What theory is it that you're buying? That vamps really took over for a period?

      Delete
  7. Tentacle monsters are notoriously hard to get rid of. They're like static cling.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's an infection that really sticks. At least it's increasingly consensual transmitted these days.

      Delete
  8. Your imagination never ceases to amaze, John.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Any particular instance in this tale that brought this about, Tony?

      Delete
  9. One man's apocalypse is another man's cleansing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is the theme of their world! Everyone rules eventually.

      Delete
  10. Is it wrong that I'm thinking of the vampire in the Energizer bunny commercial? "Oh great." *poof*

    This is so full of cool stuff I can't even begin to list it, but the vampire tyrannosaurus is a winner!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It will almost certainly have to figure into one of the novels one of these days, right?

      Delete
  11. Oh, I do like this, the idea of vampire dinosaurs is certainly one I've never come across before. Nice one John. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I try to populate this fictional world with things people haven't seen before, or at least often. Glad my fanged t-rex tickled you, Steve.

      Delete
  12. LOL What a wonderful apocalypse. I really like the vampire t-rex.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I know I say this often when referring to your work, but I will say it again. Brilliant stuff, John! I like how the characters thought the Sun was a fairy tale. I think you could have fitted in some blood sucking plants in there too though ;).

    ReplyDelete
  14. the bit about the sun at the end was simply fabulous, so lyrical.

    Favourite apocalypse? Why "Now" of course, no contest

    marc nash

    ReplyDelete
  15. I liked so much about this - The idea of having a favorite apocalypse. The vampire dinosaur. Thinking the sun was a fairytale.

    Funny and Awesome, John.

    ReplyDelete
  16. A lovely irreverent tone about apocalypses. I love this concept of vampires becoming dominant and farming normal flesh until that first sunrise. Nice ending line.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Lovely freaky awesome history lesson/theory!

    "There’s the legend – the awesome legend – of the infected tyrannosaur rampaging the south coast." this line killed me but then came the fairies eating vampire bones and I was blown away! Great idea. Brill ending.

    ReplyDelete
  18. There are a few ideas in here that I wouldn't be disappointed to see in Jurassic Park 4.

    Genuine question: where did the first ever vampire come from?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's widely believed that the first strain of vampirism was also the first strain of bacteria that learned to practice magic. It's very simple magic, manipulating the host of the infection, but damningly effective. More sustainable magical infections showed up centuries later, presumably through evolution or sheer practice.

      Delete
  19. "Who doesn’t want to believe in a vampire tyrannosaur, blending in with lava mist or drinking sharks at the bottom of the sea?"

    Ye gods, that answers a whooooole lot of nagging questions....

    ReplyDelete
  20. So how do you get rid of the tentacle monsters? We must know!!!

    ReplyDelete