Bathroom Monologue: Paul Ryan Worked At McDonald’s

“Find out the specific years, the specific store--and who was the manager? I heard a rumor that his manager thought he lacked social skills. Confirm it. Find me anyone who worked at that McDonald’s with him; Wisconsin is full of Democrats, sure enough we can find some who’ll say something. Find me surveillance video of him jacking off in the deep-fryer and I’ll marry you.

“They keep mentioning this because it brands him as the common man, so we have to show that he was a shitty common man. Everyone loves the idea of their neighbors until they get to know them. Why’d he quit? Who resented him? What has he said about it since then? Has he ever talked shit about the job? Did he hate the people, or the pay? God bless him if he bitched about the pay that millions of Americans are still trying to get by on.

“What town was it in? I bet your ass its mean income is under what he spends on suits today. Pelt him with questions if that town makes too much money. Pelt him with figures of how few dollars they’d get under his tax plan. Ask him how many of his co-workers could afford healthcare on their salaries. Do you think we could be lucky enough to find one who got cancer and couldn’t afford it? Or if she died and only her kids are left. One of those kids would be worth ten Joe the Plumbers.

“And is the store still there? An old McDonald’s probably looks like hell. Can we use a black-and-white of it in the background of an attack ad? Because I’m imagining water stains, foggy windows, a morbidly obese Latino frowning into a Big Mac, and an overlaid quote about Paul Ryan getting his start in business by exploiting unhealthy eating habits.”