Bathroom Monologue: Decent Proposal

“Madame, I will be the first suitor today to speak honestly with you. I wish only to marry you for your money. Now, every man who’s come in here before me has had the same intentions despite what he says, but you might consider them more polite, or playing some social game that has appeal. I think not, I think you’re cleverer than that, which is why you’ll see that I am the best suitor for your estate, not because of honesty, but because of what I’ll do with your holdings.

“I work at the local bank, where last year I turned nine-hundred-thousand pounds in portfolios into two-point-three million pounds, and if they don’t touch those accounts, it will be ten times that in a tenth the effort in less than ten fiscal quarters. I’ve been trained by the best tax liars: the revenue services themselves.

“I’ve got scandalous connections in both mercantile and caravan industries, two which you are likely sick of dealing with. These people need ports; they are ultimately vulnerable to their shape and ownership. Your family gives you one port and your late husband provides you two more. You are many things: eligible, wise, but foremost to these people, you are the definition and portrait of ‘international.’ I know who of these businessfolk are the most vulnerable, the easiest to bend, and where they cheat. You are set for life, but I can guarantee our children will be rich for all of theirs, and I brought the projections to prove it. All it will cost to see them is a simple, ‘I do.’”