Bathroom Monologue: My Uncanny Powers of Menstruation

“I possess a few uncanny powers. For instance, I can make a perfectly normal woman menstruate just by scheduling to see her in a week. It does not matter how normal her cycle is; if we have a lunch date, or intend to see a movie, or travel to Virginia together, she will flow. I once spent the weekend with six women who hailed from five different states and they all managed to hit their periods the day we checked in. My powers increase if I have romantic interest in the lady; her period may last the entire month I’m in town. One might think the month-long period is a lie by a woman who just doesn’t want to tell me I’m hideous, but given my track record I believe there is some physiological truth to it. I don’t know the origin of this amazing killjoy miracle, only that my social life leaves a red streak wherever I try to go.”