Bathroom Monologue: I'm Your Boyfriend from the Future

"Bullshit."

"You don't swear as much in the future, but you do so much more creatively."

"You've been here two minutes and already you're trying to change me?"

"You try to pick no-loss fights like that in the future, too."

"Do I believe your bullshit time travel story in the future?"

"You'll find out if you go on a date with me."

"That wouldn't work on the me of any time frame."

"No, it wouldn't. I just confirmed it, too."

"If we've been together for years—"

"—will have been together for years."

"If your bullshit is true, then what's my favorite movie?"

"You haven't seen it yet. It isn't out yet."

"And what will it be?"

"I can't tell you. Then you'll get your expectations up and ruin it."

"You don't know that."

"I do. I've seen you do it."

"What's my favorite food?"

"Changes on your mood. You hate stuff in your ice cream, but after one miserable week at work, you ate an entire container of fudge brownie blast. You still harken on it as the greatest ice cream of all time."

"You made that up."

"Then ask me something more reasonable! Like when your birthday is."

"Time travel isn't going to be verified by checking my Facebook timeline."

"You said you never had a Facebook."

"…Okay, why don't I have a Facebook?"

"I could never tell if you were being sincere about your reasoning. You make a lot of statements that are sort of dares for me to challenge you. They're like your no-loss arguments."

"Then give me the insincere reasoning for why I don't have a Facebook, or I'm going to dinner by myself."

"You said if you wanted corporations to mine your life, they'd have to send a drone to spy on you personally."

"I've never said that--"

"—but, wait—"

"—but I totally would. That sounds like me."

"You're very witty, in the future."

"So where do I eat dinner tonight?"

"Wherever you want."

"So maybe you do know me."

"So, dinner?"

"Sure. You already know you pay."