Bathroom List: 16 Things That Are Not True About Salvador Dali

1. The real Salvador Dali had a secret lair in the base of a dormant volcano somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.

2. The volcano was not actually dormant.

3. The real Salvador Dali had three pet ocelots that he trained to alert him when the volcano was waking.

4. There were actually four ocelots, but the fourth ocelot oscillated between our plane and a more fruited one, and so could not be counted in my father's census.

5. A Salvador Dali was a founder of the Census of Dark Artists and recruited my father for a living wage.

6. A Salvador Dali's "Persistence of Memory" was a self-portrait, done of a self from a parallel plane of existence where he had more ambition.

7. A Salvador Dali drowned this parallel self in a vat of unused cooking oil.

8. The real Salvador Dali collected vats of unused cooking oil to preserve their unuse.

9 & 10. The real Salvador Dali did not spend his final years in Spain; a body double did, and spent its final years there securing vats of unused cooking oil.

11 &12. The real Salvador Dali did not flee the Spanish Civil War; his body double did. The real Salvador Dali painted the Spanish Civil War into existence and could not flee until 1939, when he finished it.

13. A second body double still operates for a living wage.

14. A body double of Andre Breton continues to persecute this hypothetical second body double of Salvador Dali to this day.

15. A body double of Andre Breton cannot sufficiently slay the hypothetical second body double of Salvador Dali because it fears volcanoes.

16. A body double of Andre Breton is not allergic to ocelots.