Bathroom Monologue: Happy Urban Legends

The Hook Hand

It's said he lurks on romantic cliffs and in abandoned parking lots. Wherever teens go to neck, he may be spotted in the rear-view mirror. At first you'll only hear a faint scratching. If you're attentive, the radio will warn you that a madman has escaped from a nearby asylum. But you won't hear it, because he wouldn't come for you if you listened to important information.

So as hands slip under sweaters and toes curl, little scratches will climb up the door of the car. You may mistake the whine of his hook hand on the roof for the moans of your partner. Most folks are scared witless when his specter finally looms, pulling on their clothes as they peel off for civilization.

It's miles of burned rubber and ruined hard-ons later that the survivors discover a wrapped condom hanging from the driver-side mirror. The hook-handed maniac takes reproductive health very seriously.

Bloody Mary

Bloody Mary is one of few urban legends that lives exclusively in bathroom sinks. She is an intimidating young woman, theorized to either be a ghost or demon, who is roused when light switches are flicked. If you turn off the lights in a bathroom and chant her name three times, you will summon Bloody Mary from her slumber. Turn the lights back on to see her image in your mirror, staring back at you, flicking her knife-fingers in the direction of the wall-switch, trying to tell you to turn the lights back off be your electricity bill is too high.

The Tooth Fairy

She is the most important fairy in all the world. When you first lose a tooth, clutch it tight in both your hands. Don't let it out of your sight, for it's worth more than you've earned in your entire brief existence.

Show it to Mommy when you get home. She'll be very proud and excited, and show you the proper place to put it: beneath your pillow. Because she'll tell you, it's not as important that you remember this part. Instead memorize the following: drinking so much water that you have to pee every fifteen minutes, eating too much at dinner so that your tummy is too full, and rolling onto your side or belly so you can't fall asleep. You must keep awake.

By doing so, you'll witness the arrival of The Tooth Fairy. Your present will be learning that Mommy likes to have fun at your expense.