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Friday, September 13, 2013

Bathroom Monologue: Anatomy of a Theft

"I deserve a break; I've been writing all morning. What rewards lie in the kitchen?"

" More tea. Celery. Oh, Claire's ice cream! I love brownie bits. She hasn't even opened it… but didn't she say I could have some? I'll take a scoop."

"There weren't any brownie bits in that scoop. It's not very good chocolate – it probably relies on the brownie bits."

"Yeah, that's better. Shame it's only one big brownie hunk. I guess I could have a proper bowl of it – she did say to help myself. And I've been writing all morning."

"How did I eat half of this thing? I had four spoons at the most. And it's not very good, tastes too much like mocha. Does it say mocha on here anywhere? No, and no, I didn't eat half. It's almost half. I could even it out."

"Evening it out wasn't very much. Oh, there's a brownie bit right on the surface. She won't miss if I just scoop that there…"

"There is much less ice cream in cartons than there was when we were kids. It used to be bigger than my head and we'd eat one thing all weekend. Claire was cheated with this thing. I could really go for more, but shouldn't I save some for her? Yes, I need to write more."

"I just can't write knowing Claire will discover the carton almost empty. It's really worse that she find it that way than not find the carton at all. And today's chapters are so stressful to write. I could take a little break to…"

"No, I haven't seen your ice cream anywhere. What kind did you get?"
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30 comments:

  1. Elephant's ChildSeptember 13, 2013 at 12:38 AM

    Oh dear. This is frighteningly familiar. My 'rewards' for tasks completed have a tendency to get out of hand. A looooong way out of hand.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. John WiswellSeptember 13, 2013 at 1:45 PM

      I tried to clamp down on rewards by having a cheat day or a goal set in mind - like this weekend, I'll be seeing a friend before her wedding, so we'll eat whatever during our hangout. But I have to knock out one more scene in the screenplay to earn that.

      Delete
  2. Helen A. HowellSeptember 13, 2013 at 1:14 AM

    LOL eat it all and destroy the evidence - I like it. Now where's that packet of chocolate bars?

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousSeptember 13, 2013 at 2:09 AM

    I've done this myself. Oh, yeah.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Icy SedgwickSeptember 13, 2013 at 5:47 AM

    Your logic is sound ;)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Alex J. CavanaughSeptember 13, 2013 at 6:17 AM

    Yeah that's how it happens.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Tony NolandSeptember 13, 2013 at 9:37 AM

    Reward myself for writing! *forehead slap* I KNEW I was forgetting something!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Larry KollarSeptember 13, 2013 at 10:22 AM

    Better slip out and get another tub!

    Good point about ice cream cartons being smaller… or are we just bigger?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. John WiswellSeptember 13, 2013 at 2:01 PM

      The Cadbury company has had some funny things to say about that.

      Delete
  8. BevimusSeptember 13, 2013 at 11:31 AM

    Did you ever watch Paula Poundstone's stand up? Cause this reminded me so much of her reasoning- "I eat the last two just to tidy up, really."

    And you're writing a screenplay? That's exciting!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. John WiswellSeptember 13, 2013 at 5:22 PM

      Yes ma'am! A Horror idea I've had for many years and finally getting the opportunity to do something with it. It's got some strong F13 roots.

      Delete
  9. Margit SageSeptember 13, 2013 at 1:15 PM

    That has *NEVER* happened to me. No, never.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sonia LalSeptember 13, 2013 at 5:09 PM

    I have never, ever done this. Ever!


    Also, think it's a combo of our head getting bigger and them playing games with carton size.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. John WiswellSeptember 13, 2013 at 5:23 PM

      Your and Margit's denials coming back-to-back is too funny. Guilty?

      Delete
  11. Steve GreenSeptember 13, 2013 at 5:18 PM

    What the hell, finish it off, get rid of the evidence, then deny all knowledge. Ice cream is just soooo more-ish isn't it? :-)

    ReplyDelete
  12. AnonymousSeptember 13, 2013 at 6:37 PM

    LMAO! I love that. That's exactly how it would happen. Also, I want ice cream now.

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  13. Peter NewmanSeptember 14, 2013 at 7:35 AM

    There is definitely a point when you've eaten so much you might as well finish the tub. Nice work, John.

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  14. liminalfictionSeptember 14, 2013 at 9:20 AM

    I think we've all been there, just hoping she forgets she bought it, hiding the empty carton deep in the trash bin beneath other stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Jason MaciasSeptember 14, 2013 at 10:06 AM

    Heh, that tub of ice cream never stood a chance.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Katherine HajerSeptember 14, 2013 at 12:03 PM

    I do this with fresh strawberries. I am absolutely incapable of eating just part of a bowl.

    Fun depiction!

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  17. Cat RussellSeptember 14, 2013 at 7:17 PM

    I think the tea was a safer bet! :)

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  18. Cat RussellSeptember 14, 2013 at 7:18 PM

    I think the tea was a safer bet! :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Tim VanSant WritesSeptember 16, 2013 at 11:41 AM

    Every carton of ice cream is a single serving, no matter what size.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Tim VanSant WritesSeptember 16, 2013 at 11:41 AM

    Every carton of ice cream is a single serving, no matter what size.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Jenelle LeanneSeptember 16, 2013 at 1:01 PM

    hahahaha!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Jenelle LeanneSeptember 16, 2013 at 1:01 PM

    You familiar with Brian Regan? Because he has a great sketch on "ice cream serving sizes" :)

    ReplyDelete