Bathroom Monologue: The Greatest Humorist

To Whom it May Concern,
Recently I was accused of being the greatest humorist alive, and this needs addressing. Firstly, "humorist" is a clumsy and ugly word. Secondly, I am not a humorist. I am a human being with a below average lifespan, and making jokes along the way is par for the course. There is nothing about being funny that makes me anything other than human, and anyone of the human condition who indulges in humor less than I do ought to be checked daily - for they may have been cured of the condition altogether.

Humor is part of life. We're made up of 60% water, after all, and if you bother to look up the etymology of "humor," you'll see it comes from "to become moist" or "the fluids or juices of an animal or plant." So firstly, even plants are humorous, and secondly, humor is a fundamental part of life. If you're 60% water, then 3/5's of your person had to get the joke just to get here. I sure hope you laughed on the way.

Humor is literally the moisture that keeps us alive. You can't cross a desert without a bottle of water, any more than I can't cross a desert without making fun of its poor real estate development. That's humorous life, my friends.

And if you're not a humorist? Then, oh dry-witted soul, you're probably part of the reason that the Sahara is spreading.

Sincerely,
Someone who has never been called so much as a "good humorist"