Bathroom Monologue: Sitting over an imaginary Ivan, who is in a permanent vegetative state in my tub

“I can’t pull the plug on Ivan. He used to be a dude. I can kind of dig abortion – that little thing was never a dude and isn’t a dude now. I can’t have a bratwurst with it. Ivan cooked me bratwurst. He made bratwurst on the weekends, pastime he picked up from his dad as a little kid. He was a dude, and his dudeness abides to the present. Having been a dude totally changes the equation.”