Bathroom Monologue: Renegade Sons and Gatorade Moms, OR, Brought to you by Styx’s “Renegade”

(This can only truly be appreciated if you’ve heard “Renegade” by Styx. It can only be properly comprehended if you’ve listened to the song fifty times in two days.)


Dear Son,

Firstly, the state of West Virginia abolished the death penalty ages ago, so no hangman is coming down from the gallows for you.

It sounds like you're being melodramatic again. You’ve been like this ever since I was elected to the Senate. I know it was hard, but you’re in your twenties now. You should really move on and meet a girl. Are you taking your pills? I'll never forget the night you had a nervous breakdown because that nice officer pulled you over for speeding.

You weren't speeding again, were you? Lord, if your grandfather could see you.

Anyway, your father is out wiring you bail money now. By the time you read this you’ll be a free man. So remember, little renegade, that your father and I worked very hard so you could have it made, and we'd appreciate a little gratitude. At least stop getting arrested in verse.

Love,
Mama